I am so angry with myself. And Him. He is an ASS. And so is every other LOSER I have managed to date this year. The only comfort is that I can still look at the ex and know that I made the right decision, I am better off.
A journal entry from Tuesday:
- It starts with him telling me, all proud, "I left," with a smile on his face while he shows me his new housekey that is hanging from his keychain. Then he proceeds to regale me with all the drama that was his weekend, how he packed up on Friday and she asked him not to go, swore for the umpteenth time she had changed, blah blah blah (I have been listening to this for almost a year), and he decided to stay the night. And have sex with her. He continued on about how he still has stuff in the house, went back on Sunday to fix something, and that he will be seeing K. on Wednesday. This after telling me for WEEKS about how he couldn't wait to get out, was putting all of his ducks in a row, he is DONE, he has closed the door, and dramatically looking at me and saying "Just don't give up on me. I'm coming." THEN, telling me last week that he was looking forward to being alone, and his "plan" was to distance himself from both of us. So when he brought up seeing her Wednesday, I told him, "So much for that whole plan of distancing yourself, huh? Or don't you remember saying that?" FUCK HIM. I guess I am still mad at myself for falling for the crap he handed out. And I'm mad at him and hurt, too. He has officially broken my heart TWICE, that motherfucker, and he DOES NOT get a third chance. He complained for MONTHS about how selfish K. is. MONTHS. I told him last week they deserve each other, because his actions towards me were nothing BUT self-serving. It had NOTHING to do with me, making me feel better about myself. It had EVERYTHING to do with him feeding his own ego. FUCK HIM.
I don't understand why she is so fucking special. He told me he felt like he "settled", he was never head over heels, never had the intimacy (communication-wise) with her that he had with me. So tell me, is she going to magically start communicating and stop avoiding issues? Kiss him like I did? Look into his eyes? Really GIVE herself? Who knows. I sure as hell don’t. But it doesn't matter. In the end, it just doesn't matter. For whatever reason, I am not enough. Not good enough, pretty enough, whatever enough. Whatever. Maybe he is just weak, and the call of sex was just irresistible. Maybe he just had some sort of fantasy about what things would be like with me, you know, “the grass is always greener” type of thing, but then reality hit. I don’t know. And as much as I would LOVE to say I don’t CARE, that just isn’t the case. Unfortunately. Maybe someday it will be, but it isn’t right now, not right this second. Maybe, maybe, maybe. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. It doesn’t matter anymore. It just doesn’t fucking matter. Call it Karma. I engaged in an emotional affair, and I got burned. Shame on me, I know/knew better, but I still did it. It was wrong, I knew it. But it CERTAINLY will NOT happen again.
I would ALWAYS be SECOND CHOICE. I said that before to him, and he told me that wasn’t the case. But it’s true. I knew it was true then, and I still know it’s true. I would always be second. ALWAYS. And that's just not good enough for me. I deserve better. I have been through too much and have worked too hard to come so far to settle for that. I deserve to be Number One in somebody’s life. I am not some second-rate selfish bitch that puts herself before anyone else. I don’t live that way, it’s not me. Not in my wiring. So I deserve better than to be thought of or treated that way. I am better than that. I AM better than that. I am BETTER THAN THAT!!
FUCK HIM!
I actually printed that entry out and gave it to him, not entirely sure why. Maybe so he knew I was done, maybe so he would hurt even a tiny bit. Maybe because I still think he's a selfisj motherfucker.
So what does HE do? He "responds"! Are you fucking KIDDING me?? Here is his fucking PEACH of a response:
- There is so much to say and I know whatever I say will kill you…
Because no matter what I say, it is not I am all yours, and available the way you want me.
Saying nothing doesn’t make it any easier either.
Everything I ever said to you is true. In the moment I never felt as if I was hiding anything from you. The most difficult part of this is how much of a friend you truly have been to me all the while giving me your heart.
I am broken hearted I have hurt you again, and mad at myself for doing it. Which I am sure you don’t feel is pain enough but please know I hurt every time I see you or even think of you.
I was not prepared to tell you what had happened, and the way it was told to you I know was tragically executed. I could hear myself talking, and was just trying to get the words out because I was so fearful of the reaction.
I never wanted this… to hurt you. Yes I courted you… but it was simply to make you feel better about yourself and yes I agree “me better about myself.” But I never intended for it to go so far…
I am still infatuated by you, your strength, your courage, your wit, your tenderness, and yes your passion. You are an amazing woman, and my feelings for you are incredibly complex…
I don’t want you to feel discarded. I still only want to share with you so much of my life.
Which I now know is impossible.
I cry at the thought of never speaking to you again.
My thoughts early on in our relationship were to simply make you feel better about yourself and watch you move on because I was married. Your thoughts and ideas for me trying to save my marriage were amazing to me… your frustration with my situation comforting.
I never meant to fall in love with you…and believe me I have…
And yes the problem is I am in love with Kathy…
I crossed the line, I could see you falling for me and the passion missing from my life was like a drug. The time I had an affair before was nothing like this in my heart. She never expressed any desire for me to leave Kathy, we were friends with benefits… And that is NOT how I feel about you. She used me as much as I used her for comfort… with you I am constantly torn to leave or stay with Kathy.
In recent weeks as I established the fact I HAD to leave. I was looking for support from anyone and everyone… but most of all, the one person who made me realize I was not happy, with my situation. The one person, I LOVE for making me realize, I DESERVE BETTER, who gave me the strength to fight for myself when I had given up hope.
When I pulled away the first time I sought the help of Betty. Who became a supporter and told me to leave too… you may have even felt jealous of her I am not sure…I explained to her my fears of rebounding with a woman I had great interest in, and that I was trying to keep my distance from the other woman. Knowing I had already hurt you once…
I never really thought any of my discussions with Kathy would ever work, I agreed to the marriage builders course because it repeated all the things I had been expressing to Kathy, and at a minimum I could at least say I gave it one more try. However, after I could see the Marriage builders course was not going to work and the incredible wall was not coming down… I really set my focus on getting out… and I was focused on getting to a point I could show you “My Champion” I was fighting for my happiness.
The timing for me to leave broke down much earlier than I expected, and yes again I was not prepared… However, I felt close enough and all my planning, my frustration, I had a place to go and when she asked I gave her the truth. I was leaving and I really didn’t care.
This is what happened next and I need to explain this part as best I can… in the hopes you understand.
I told her I wanted to date other people and she pleaded with me not too. She asked why, and I told her because I wanted a different kind of sex life and level of intimacy than she was willing to try and understand or even talk about. When I made the statement to her the only person I was thinking of seeing was you.
I am not sure you are prepared for what I truly want. However, I do believe you could be open to it based on our discussions. So there is a bit of unknown with you as well as Kathy on this subject.
However, I never expected Kathy to get it or even give it a thought …. and I am not 100% convinced she has, that is why I left. She asked for this to be a one month break, I am not so sure it won’t be longer, but after all it has been a whopping three days. I agreed to not seeing others, but have not agreed to the length in time.
I told her I needed space and I am taking as much of it as I can on a regular basis… so yes… when I say I am distancing myself I feel I am. This is the first week and maybe seeing her twice a week for 2-3 hours at a time compared to every night yes that is the beginning of distancing myself from her.. and her from me.
However, Kathy’s understanding and communication on the one subject we have fought time and time again about sex, passion, desire, and intimacy seems to have changed and she is listening to my ideas of what I want for a lifestyle.
Am I 100% convinced this is all going to work out? No…
I can’t express all of what and how she is finally communicating without potentially hurting you even more deeply than I already have.
However, the walls are down and she is really communicating about it…
Something I have hoped for, for a very long time.
She has bought the “Story of O” DVD, purchased the book “Different Loving”
Based on my past experiences and discussion with her I felt she would never agree to my true “Dominant” desires.
However, she has said if it means the difference between losing you, or trying this I will try and from what I have seen and experienced she has made more effort than I ever expected.
You mentioned I have an infinite amount of hope…
The one thing I always think about is when Bonnie left me how I felt, and the pain associated with it. She may or may not have told me what the real problem was… I honestly don’t remember because I think I was oblivious to it just like Kathy was… but I know I “CHANGED” after the experience, and I still wish to this day she had given me a “REAL” chance once I realized the things I didn’t do for her.
I really feel this is why I continue to give her a chance…
The difference now really is…I have never actually left before, I have never fought day in and day out for my happiness…
Why? The only reason I know is “Rhonda” and I LOVE YOU FOR IT.
You can scream, yell, and hit me with your swords… I deserve it… but I love you for waking me up and making me fight for my happiness.
I do love you… maybe not the way you want me to… but I do love you.
And I will never Deny that.
I'm not a perfect personThere's many things I wish I didn't doBut I continue learningI never meant to do those things to youAnd so I have to say before I goThat I just want you to knowI've found a reason for meTo change who I used to beA reason to start over newand the reason is youI'm sorry that I hurt youIt's something I must live with every dayAnd all the pain I put you throughI wish that I could take it all awayAnd be the one who catches all your tearsThat's why I need you to hearI've found a reason for meTo change who I used to beA reason to start over newand the reason is you [x4]I'm not a perfect personI never meant to do those things to youAnd so I have to say before I goThat I just want you to knowI've found a reason for meTo change who I used to beA reason to start over newand the reason is youI've found a reason to showA side of me you didn't knowA reason for all that I doAnd the reason is you
So of course I have to respond, in nothing more than an effort to get the last word, shut him UP, and shut him DOWN:
Again, no response was required.
But since you felt the absolute "need", I went ahead and stupidly read it.
So you think she has "changed", she is "different", BLAH BLAH BLAH. And now, all of a sudden, you are "IN LOVE" with her? Well, I have to say, that certainly is news to me after months of me hearing that you aren't.
You talked about never "blowing" a second chance again. You talked about a lot of things. You talked about my KIDS, and wanting the "whole package" (even when I asked you to NOT talk about them.) You talked about wanting to talk to me anytime you pleased, being able to spend time with me...then that turned into "distancing yourself" from BOTH OF US. You are NOT DOING THAT. Seeing her a couple of times a week is NOT taking a break for a month or distancing yourself. And to say you are taking a break for a month is not leaving. All the "I just want OUT", "I can't WAIT to be OUT", "I HAVE to do this, things will never change" -- all words, JUST WORDS. I was distancing myself in hopes that things for the two of you would work out, but you became insistent that they wouldn't, and began talking about your "new life", your future without her, leaving, BLAH BLAH BLAH. ALL JUST WORDS.
Well, I don't believe a SINGLE WORD that comes out of your mouth anymore. I think you don't know what the fuck you want (aside from in the bedroom, where you are ever-so-definitive), and I think the fact that you continue to "share" with me about how you feel about someone else and what is going on with you and that person is utterly and completely selfish and self-serving -- you needed to ease your own guilty conscience. You felt the need to "explain" things for YOUR OWN sake, not mine. Had you been thinking of ME for a fucking SECOND you would have kept your mouth SHUT and left me alone. You knew your words would hurt, but you still felt the need to put them out there.
Let me ask you this: does Kathy know about me? Does she know ANYTHING about me??? I'm guessing NO, because that would certainly not work in YOUR favor.
So you see, none of this matters. It just doesn't fucking matter. You go be with her, she's your wife, fix your marriage. I hope it all works out for the two of you, because I really believe now that you two belong together and deserve each other.)
You are NOT my friend. You do NOT love me. My true, good friends would NEVER treat me the way you have, nor I them.
I do not trust you. Not one iota.
LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
What you see's not what you get
With you there's just no measurement
No way to tell what's real from what isn't there
Your eyes they sparkled
That's all changed into lies that drop like acid rain
You washed away the best of me
You don't care
You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You were wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone
Sometimes shattered
Never open
Nothing matters
When you're broken
That was me whenever I was with you
Always ending
Always over
Back and forth, up and down like a rollercoaster
I am breaking
That habit
Today
You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You were wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone
There is nothing you can say
Sorry doesn't cut it, babe
Take the hit and walk away
'Cause I'm gone
Doesn't matter what you do
It's what you did that's hurting you
All I needed was the truth
Now I'm gone- PS:
And I don't want your love. I don't want anything from you. Not ever again.
Just want to make sure we are CLEAR on that. At least ONE of us can know EXACTLY what she wants and will communicate it CLEARLY.
I think it's working, he has left me alone today.
Still, I am still so very angry at him, his lies, his deception. What the HELL was I thinking?? Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater... I KNOW that. What the fuck is wrong with me??
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