Are you KIDDING ME??

OK, so I call Child Support Enforcement Services this morning to try and get the low-down on what the hell is going on with the child support payments. Assface has his pay garnished, and for a while there he was making his monthly obligation. Then suddenly last November the payments decreased in amount, to the point where he is not meeting his monthly obligation.

So I pick up the phone and ask what's going on.

I ask if they have been calculating the interest on the outstanding arrears (there is interest on arrears per CO law, the state in which the order was written.)

I am told that a) the state of MA is not equipped to calculate the fees and interest of orders from other states, and b) they do not impose MA fees and penalties on orders from other states.

So basically, he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants, and I just have to deal.

As fucking usual.

He SUCKS.

By my calculations, he owed me over $2000 in arrears. But that was including the CO interest. According to the state of MA, he has whittled his arrears down to $600. Even though he hasn't even been meeting his monthly obligation.

This is BULLSHIT, he SUCKS, and I am really wishing right now that he would just GO THE FUCK AWAY. I don't want another fucking red cent, just GO THE FUCK AWAY.

I think I might hate him. And I hate that I feel that way.

I Know His Secret

This sucks.

Just when I think I'm out, getting over it, getting past things...I'm sucked right back in.

I just don't understand.

I left him almost three years ago. Three years. We have been divorced for a year and a half. I shouldn't care. Things shouldn't bother me. I should be over this. I thought I had let go.

Apparently, I haven't.

My friend in CO called me over the weekend to let me know that the ex was there, again. For at least the third time in less than six months. Visiting a 20-something Slavic waitress that worked for him whilst I was pregnant and married to him and living 45 minutes away from his workplace.

Sure explains a lot of things, like all the late nights working even though the restaurant closed at 10pm. Like the time he came home from one of those late nights with a woman's coat rather than his own. Like why he was so angry with me when I announced that I was pregnant. Like why he was so indifferent to the pregnancy, and wasn't the least bit excited. Like why he looked at me with sheer disgust in his eyes, why he spoke to me in a tone where every word dripped with resentment and disdain for my very being. Like why, after I was told I had miscarried, and came home and told him (while bawling my eyes out), he just stood there and looked at me until I told him to hug me, hold me, tell me everything would be okay. Why he acted even angrier after the doctors found that I was still pregnant, that (miracle of miracles!) one of the twins (yes -- TWINS) had survived. All the days of the silent treatment, of never feeling I could do anything right, of that gnawing feeling in my gut that something was going on.

He was cheating on me. I knew it in my bones, in my heart. But he denied it. Told me I was "crazy" for thinking that, that I was "always looking for something to be wrong", that I was miserable and I would always be miserable. That I was never happy.

Funny, he is the only person in my life who has ever said or believed such things about me. I am a positive person by nature. I really try to do the right thing, trust people, believe in the good. I really do.

He took that from me. But only for a while. I think I can get it back. After all, I gave him the power to take it. And I'm not doing that anymore.

Back to my point: before, it was all speculation, a gut feeling. Now it's truth.

He has been lying to me for a long time. My "relationship" was nothing but a ruse.

I should be over this. I should be done. But my heart is broken, yet again.

How is that possible?

*heavy sigh*

Been away awhile...

I haven't journaled in a while, and I have been all the worse for wear because of it. I write random things in a journal I keep in my nightstand, but it's not the same. That's a book filled with rambling, ranting, incoherent thoughts. Don't get me wrong, it helps to do that and just get it out, but it's not quite the same.

I have been so far removed from me the past few months, not taking care of myself, once again putting anyone and everyone before me. I know this isn't healthy, I know it leads me down the road of self-sabotage and depression, but it's almost like I can't stop myself. It's an old pattern that I continue to repeat. I know logically that I need to take care of myself in order to be the best mother, sister, daughter, and friend I can be. I just can't seem to remember to do it when the chips are down. Ah, distraction is soooo comforting.

My discovery responses are due the 29th. Think I've even started them?? Nope. Talk about avoidance. And it's not like I have anything to hide or be ashamed about, I just don't want to deal with this court crap anymore. I am already $8,000 in the hole with THIS lawyer over something the ex is hell-bent on doing. There is absolutely no reason to go to trial, but he is ADAMANT about it. He really thinks we are going to go to trial, the judge will hand him everything he wants, he will be "proven right" (whatever the fuck THAT is), and Sweet Vindication shall be his!! Hallelujah, amen. Fuck him.

I'm still pissed that he actually tried to fucking defend his sister and her husband about the whole Santa Claus thing. The more I hear, the more I am convinced that he checked his balls and spine at the door when he moved into his sister's house.

And yes, I am still angry. I am angry that he is STILL sending me boxes full of shit from our wedding. When I told him to stop sending me these things he acted all surprised (now that I think about it, he probably was surprised), and said "Well, I didn't know what to do with it. I thought you would want it, that it meant something to you."

Mind you, he has sent me ALL of our wedding photos, all of the pictures of the two of us, every last memento from everything to do with our life together, as if he is trying to "erase" me. As if to send the message to me that none of it means anything to him. Part of me thinks this is just more of his controlling bullshit, more of the manipulative passive-aggressive crap he is so fond of pulling. Another part thinks he is really just still trying to hurt me. I don't know anymore. And quite frankly, I'm too tired to care.

All I want right now is an ex who will be a good, responsible, loving father, who is able to communicate with me so we can co-parent effectively. It's all about money to him. I wouldn't take another fucking DIME if he would just learn how to be a human being.

But alas, empathy cannot be taught, nor can feelings of respect be manufactured upon demand. Oh well.

onward.

And fuck him.

Just How I Feel

Disrespected.

Discarded.

Disposable.

Disappointed.

Disgusted.

Dismayed.

Disconnected.

Distant.

Thank God this week's almost over...

Thank God, thank God, thank God.



I have felt like absolute ASS all week -- headaches, fatigue, the night sweats are KILLING me (no such thing as a good night's sleep when you have those), my body has been so stiff and sore. Not to mention I am emotionally beat up and drained.



I am looking forward to getting away to the Inn this weekend and spending some really good quality time with the kids. It'll be fun, and we all really need it.



I am just SO SICK of people right now. OK, not "people", per se, but MEN. OK, and not ALL men, but a few in particular. The ex, who only calls when he feels like it, which is usually at the most inconvenient time of the day, when no one can talk. And never answers my questions, you know, the really important ones like "Have you booked travel arrangements for the holidays yet?" YEAH.



And N. I was thinking about it, and this one really pisses me off. One day it's all hot and heavy, then it's "whoa, gotta back up a bit, I'm not a 'relationship' tupe of guy..." then it's "I still want to see you and get together, I think we have a lot of fun, let's go out Thursday night", then I'm STOOD UP, then I get RANDOM TEXT MESSAGES. The last of which read (after I sent him one congratulating him on a new job he landed -- found out through mutual friends), and I quote: "Thanks. I'm pretty happy for me too." That was about 3 weeks ago, and I haven't heard from him since. He can rot in hell.



Along with S. You know, the MARRIED man who kept me hanging on as long as he possibly could, then fell to pieces when he thought I was "pulling away" from him, so I began to let my guard down, then -- WHACK! "Oh hey, yeah, I know I said I was 'done' and all with my marriage, and I was looking forward to spending time with you once I left and was on my own, but hey, now she actually wants to do all the sexual things I have wanted for so long, so I don't need you or the fantasy of you anymore. I'm done with that, I used you to give me hope and feed my ego, but she has come around to my ideas, so I don't need you anymore. Unless, of course, I find out later that she really isn't game and she is just putting on a charade. Then I'll want you again." YEEEEEAAAAAAAAH.



OK, trying to put these all in perspective and learn my lessons. No selfish, narcissistic assholes. (Is that redundant?) Check. No men looking for another "mommy" to take care of THEM. Check. No married men. Check. (That was an admittedly stupid thing to ever even contemplate. He basically wooed me and talked me into believing it was all okay and going to be okay, but I can't completely blame him. I am my own person, I made up my own mind, and I am responsible for my own actions. I behaved like an idiot, ignored the warning signs and my own morals/conscience, and I got burned. Serves me right. But he is still a selfish prick.) No more men that have the words "Damaged Beyond Repair" across their foreheads. Check. No men that still live with their mothers. Check. No men that have never been married and are over the age of 40. Check. I could probably go on, but I'll stop at that.

Friday, at LAST...

Oh my GOD, this week has DRAGGED...

First of all, the Red Sox won, they fucking WON, HOLY SHIT, THEY PULLED IT OFF!! Never saw that one coming. I really didn't. If they manage to win the ALCS, they deserve the title of The Comeback Kings.

S. is a coward. He is choosing to completely avoid me like the ass that he is. (Which is actually nice for me, no tension in the office and I don't have to look at his pathetic sorry ass all day.) But for Christ's sake, GROW SOME BALLS and face the music. Period, THE END, as Misty would say.

I'm feeling pretty good today, planning for Halloween, even left the FH a voicemail to ask him to call C. on 10/20 to wish her good luck in b-ball tryouts, and tell him a funny story about J. It was all on VM, as, again, I seem to have a knack for being involved with men devoid of spines and testicles. Whatever. I'm doing the right thing, trying to be a good person. My family gets upset when I do things like that, but I can't exclude him from the kids' lives, and it only benefits the kids if he knows more. Besides, I'm the one that has to live with myself, and try to sleep at night, and look at myself in the mirror every morning. So I'm going to do what I feel is right. As long as I don't expect others (*ahem*) to act as I would, I'll be fine. No expectations, no disappointment. I am "managing my expectations" as old Pete would have said. It certainly helps.

Oh, and on my way in to the office today, I passed Joe Wakefield in his truck, he pulled out behind me and followed me for a few minutes. Speaking of men with no cajones...

Here's to the SOX and a great weekend coming up!

OK, I'm Crying Uncle...

God, it has been one of those weeks. I am SO over this week.

I am so angry with myself. And Him. He is an ASS. And so is every other LOSER I have managed to date this year. The only comfort is that I can still look at the ex and know that I made the right decision, I am better off.

A journal entry from Tuesday:

• It starts with him telling me, all proud, "I left," with a smile on his face while he shows me his new housekey that is hanging from his keychain. Then he proceeds to regale me with all the drama that was his weekend, how he packed up on Friday and she asked him not to go, swore for the umpteenth time she had changed, blah blah blah (I have been listening to this for almost a year), and he decided to stay the night. And have sex with her. He continued on about how he still has stuff in the house, went back on Sunday to fix something, and that he will be seeing K. on Wednesday. This after telling me for WEEKS about how he couldn't wait to get out, was putting all of his ducks in a row, he is DONE, he has closed the door, and dramatically looking at me and saying "Just don't give up on me. I'm coming." THEN, telling me last week that he was looking forward to being alone, and his "plan" was to distance himself from both of us. So when he brought up seeing her Wednesday, I told him, "So much for that whole plan of distancing yourself, huh? Or don't you remember saying that?" FUCK HIM. I guess I am still mad at myself for falling for the crap he handed out. And I'm mad at him and hurt, too. He has officially broken my heart TWICE, that motherfucker, and he DOES NOT get a third chance. He complained for MONTHS about how selfish K. is. MONTHS. I told him last week they deserve each other, because his actions towards me were nothing BUT self-serving. It had NOTHING to do with me, making me feel better about myself. It had EVERYTHING to do with him feeding his own ego. FUCK HIM.
  
  I don't understand why she is so fucking special. He told me he felt like he "settled", he was never head over heels, never had the intimacy (communication-wise) with her that he had with me. So tell me, is she going to magically start communicating and stop avoiding issues? Kiss him like I did? Look into his eyes? Really GIVE herself? Who knows. I sure as hell don’t. But it doesn't matter. In the end, it just doesn't matter. For whatever reason, I am not enough. Not good enough, pretty enough, whatever enough. Whatever. Maybe he is just weak, and the call of sex was just irresistible. Maybe he just had some sort of fantasy about what things would be like with me, you know, “the grass is always greener” type of thing, but then reality hit. I don’t know. And as much as I would LOVE to say I don’t CARE, that just isn’t the case. Unfortunately. Maybe someday it will be, but it isn’t right now, not right this second. Maybe, maybe, maybe. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. It doesn’t matter anymore. It just doesn’t fucking matter. Call it Karma. I engaged in an emotional affair, and I got burned. Shame on me, I know/knew better, but I still did it. It was wrong, I knew it. But it CERTAINLY will NOT happen again.
  
  I would ALWAYS be SECOND CHOICE. I said that before to him, and he told me that wasn’t the case. But it’s true. I knew it was true then, and I still know it’s true. I would always be second. ALWAYS. And that's just not good enough for me. I deserve better. I have been through too much and have worked too hard to come so far to settle for that. I deserve to be Number One in somebody’s life. I am not some second-rate selfish bitch that puts herself before anyone else. I don’t live that way, it’s not me. Not in my wiring. So I deserve better than to be thought of or treated that way. I am better than that. I AM better than that. I am BETTER THAN THAT!!
  
  FUCK HIM!

I actually printed that entry out and gave it to him, not entirely sure why. Maybe so he knew I was done, maybe so he would hurt even a tiny bit. Maybe because I still think he's a selfisj motherfucker.

So what does HE do? He "responds"! Are you fucking KIDDING me?? Here is his fucking PEACH of a response:

• There is so much to say and I know whatever I say will kill you…
  
  Because no matter what I say, it is not I am all yours, and available the way you want me.
  
  Saying nothing doesn’t make it any easier either.
  
  Everything I ever said to you is true. In the moment I never felt as if I was hiding anything from you. The most difficult part of this is how much of a friend you truly have been to me all the while giving me your heart.
  
  I am broken hearted I have hurt you again, and mad at myself for doing it. Which I am sure you don’t feel is pain enough but please know I hurt every time I see you or even think of you.
  
  I was not prepared to tell you what had happened, and the way it was told to you I know was tragically executed. I could hear myself talking, and was just trying to get the words out because I was so fearful of the reaction.
  
  I never wanted this… to hurt you. Yes I courted you… but it was simply to make you feel better about yourself and yes I agree “me better about myself.” But I never intended for it to go so far…
  
  I am still infatuated by you, your strength, your courage, your wit, your tenderness, and yes your passion. You are an amazing woman, and my feelings for you are incredibly complex…
  
  I don’t want you to feel discarded. I still only want to share with you so much of my life.
  
  Which I now know is impossible.
  
  I cry at the thought of never speaking to you again.
  
  My thoughts early on in our relationship were to simply make you feel better about yourself and watch you move on because I was married. Your thoughts and ideas for me trying to save my marriage were amazing to me… your frustration with my situation comforting.
  
  I never meant to fall in love with you…and believe me I have…
  
  And yes the problem is I am in love with Kathy…
  
  I crossed the line, I could see you falling for me and the passion missing from my life was like a drug. The time I had an affair before was nothing like this in my heart. She never expressed any desire for me to leave Kathy, we were friends with benefits… And that is NOT how I feel about you. She used me as much as I used her for comfort… with you I am constantly torn to leave or stay with Kathy.
  
  In recent weeks as I established the fact I HAD to leave. I was looking for support from anyone and everyone… but most of all, the one person who made me realize I was not happy, with my situation. The one person, I LOVE for making me realize, I DESERVE BETTER, who gave me the strength to fight for myself when I had given up hope.
  
  When I pulled away the first time I sought the help of Betty. Who became a supporter and told me to leave too… you may have even felt jealous of her I am not sure…I explained to her my fears of rebounding with a woman I had great interest in, and that I was trying to keep my distance from the other woman. Knowing I had already hurt you once…
  
  I never really thought any of my discussions with Kathy would ever work, I agreed to the marriage builders course because it repeated all the things I had been expressing to Kathy, and at a minimum I could at least say I gave it one more try. However, after I could see the Marriage builders course was not going to work and the incredible wall was not coming down… I really set my focus on getting out… and I was focused on getting to a point I could show you “My Champion” I was fighting for my happiness.
  
  The timing for me to leave broke down much earlier than I expected, and yes again I was not prepared… However, I felt close enough and all my planning, my frustration, I had a place to go and when she asked I gave her the truth. I was leaving and I really didn’t care.
  
  This is what happened next and I need to explain this part as best I can… in the hopes you understand.
  
  I told her I wanted to date other people and she pleaded with me not too. She asked why, and I told her because I wanted a different kind of sex life and level of intimacy than she was willing to try and understand or even talk about. When I made the statement to her the only person I was thinking of seeing was you.
  
  I am not sure you are prepared for what I truly want. However, I do believe you could be open to it based on our discussions. So there is a bit of unknown with you as well as Kathy on this subject.
  
  However, I never expected Kathy to get it or even give it a thought …. and I am not 100% convinced she has, that is why I left. She asked for this to be a one month break, I am not so sure it won’t be longer, but after all it has been a whopping three days. I agreed to not seeing others, but have not agreed to the length in time.
  
  I told her I needed space and I am taking as much of it as I can on a regular basis… so yes… when I say I am distancing myself I feel I am. This is the first week and maybe seeing her twice a week for 2-3 hours at a time compared to every night yes that is the beginning of distancing myself from her.. and her from me.
  
  However, Kathy’s understanding and communication on the one subject we have fought time and time again about sex, passion, desire, and intimacy seems to have changed and she is listening to my ideas of what I want for a lifestyle.
  
  Am I 100% convinced this is all going to work out? No…
  
  I can’t express all of what and how she is finally communicating without potentially hurting you even more deeply than I already have.
  
  However, the walls are down and she is really communicating about it…
  
  Something I have hoped for, for a very long time.
  
  She has bought the “Story of O” DVD, purchased the book “Different Loving”
  
  Based on my past experiences and discussion with her I felt she would never agree to my true “Dominant” desires.
  
  However, she has said if it means the difference between losing you, or trying this I will try and from what I have seen and experienced she has made more effort than I ever expected.
  
  You mentioned I have an infinite amount of hope…
  
  The one thing I always think about is when Bonnie left me how I felt, and the pain associated with it. She may or may not have told me what the real problem was… I honestly don’t remember because I think I was oblivious to it just like Kathy was… but I know I “CHANGED” after the experience, and I still wish to this day she had given me a “REAL” chance once I realized the things I didn’t do for her.
  
  I really feel this is why I continue to give her a chance…
  
  The difference now really is…I have never actually left before, I have never fought day in and day out for my happiness…
  
  Why? The only reason I know is “Rhonda” and I LOVE YOU FOR IT.
  
  You can scream, yell, and hit me with your swords… I deserve it… but I love you for waking me up and making me fight for my happiness.
  
  I do love you… maybe not the way you want me to… but I do love you.
  
  And I will never Deny that.
  
  I'm not a perfect personThere's many things I wish I didn't doBut I continue learningI never meant to do those things to youAnd so I have to say before I goThat I just want you to knowI've found a reason for meTo change who I used to beA reason to start over newand the reason is youI'm sorry that I hurt youIt's something I must live with every dayAnd all the pain I put you throughI wish that I could take it all awayAnd be the one who catches all your tearsThat's why I need you to hearI've found a reason for meTo change who I used to beA reason to start over newand the reason is you [x4]I'm not a perfect personI never meant to do those things to youAnd so I have to say before I goThat I just want you to knowI've found a reason for meTo change who I used to beA reason to start over newand the reason is youI've found a reason to showA side of me you didn't knowA reason for all that I doAnd the reason is you
  
  

So of course I have to respond, in nothing more than an effort to get the last word, shut him UP, and shut him DOWN:

• 
  Again, no response was required.
  But since you felt the absolute "need", I went ahead and stupidly read it.
  So you think she has "changed", she is "different", BLAH BLAH BLAH. And now, all of a sudden, you are "IN LOVE" with her? Well, I have to say, that certainly is news to me after months of me hearing that you aren't.
  You talked about never "blowing" a second chance again. You talked about a lot of things. You talked about my KIDS, and wanting the "whole package" (even when I asked you to NOT talk about them.) You talked about wanting to talk to me anytime you pleased, being able to spend time with me...then that turned into "distancing yourself" from BOTH OF US. You are NOT DOING THAT. Seeing her a couple of times a week is NOT taking a break for a month or distancing yourself. And to say you are taking a break for a month is not leaving. All the "I just want OUT", "I can't WAIT to be OUT", "I HAVE to do this, things will never change" -- all words, JUST WORDS. I was distancing myself in hopes that things for the two of you would work out, but you became insistent that they wouldn't, and began talking about your "new life", your future without her, leaving, BLAH BLAH BLAH. ALL JUST WORDS.
  Well, I don't believe a SINGLE WORD that comes out of your mouth anymore. I think you don't know what the fuck you want (aside from in the bedroom, where you are ever-so-definitive), and I think the fact that you continue to "share" with me about how you feel about someone else and what is going on with you and that person is utterly and completely selfish and self-serving -- you needed to ease your own guilty conscience. You felt the need to "explain" things for YOUR OWN sake, not mine. Had you been thinking of ME for a fucking SECOND you would have kept your mouth SHUT and left me alone. You knew your words would hurt, but you still felt the need to put them out there.
  Let me ask you this: does Kathy know about me? Does she know ANYTHING about me??? I'm guessing NO, because that would certainly not work in YOUR favor.
  So you see, none of this matters. It just doesn't fucking matter. You go be with her, she's your wife, fix your marriage. I hope it all works out for the two of you, because I really believe now that you two belong together and deserve each other.)
  You are NOT my friend. You do NOT love me. My true, good friends would NEVER treat me the way you have, nor I them.
  I do not trust you. Not one iota.
  LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
• 
  What you see's not what you get
  With you there's just no measurement
  No way to tell what's real from what isn't there
  Your eyes they sparkled
  That's all changed into lies that drop like acid rain
  You washed away the best of me
  You don't care
  You know you did it
  I'm gone
  To find someone to live for
  In this world
  There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
  Just a bridge that I gotta burn
  You were wrong
  If you think you can walk right through my door
  That is just so you
  Coming back when I've finally moved on
  I'm already gone
  Sometimes shattered
  Never open
  Nothing matters
  When you're broken
  That was me whenever I was with you
  Always ending
  Always over
  Back and forth, up and down like a rollercoaster
  I am breaking
  That habit
  Today
  You know you did it
  I'm gone
  To find someone to live for
  In this world
  There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
  Just a bridge that I gotta burn
  You were wrong
  If you think you can walk right through my door
  That is just so you
  Coming back when I've finally moved on
  I'm already gone
  There is nothing you can say
  Sorry doesn't cut it, babe
  Take the hit and walk away
  'Cause I'm gone
  Doesn't matter what you do
  It's what you did that's hurting you
  All I needed was the truth
  Now I'm gone
• PS:
  And I don't want your love. I don't want anything from you. Not ever again.
  Just want to make sure we are CLEAR on that. At least ONE of us can know EXACTLY what she wants and will communicate it CLEARLY.

I think it's working, he has left me alone today.

Still, I am still so very angry at him, his lies, his deception. What the HELL was I thinking?? Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater... I KNOW that. What the fuck is wrong with me??