Another Friday night...

Ahhh... another Friday, another night with no date. Not that I have been looking, or "putting myself out there", but still... it would be nice to have at least one night out with someone that I find attractive, that finds me attractive, and have some fun, some good conversation, and maybe even a kiss or two...

I think that's the toughest thing right now -- the longing for some sort of physical closeness to someone. God, I want SO BAD to snuggle, especially up to someone that wants it and welcomes it!! It has been a long time since I have had that, and I really, truly miss it.

Doesn't help that I have a thing for my married coworker... bad, bad, bad, all the way around. Bad that I have feelings for him, bad that he is in the process of leaving his marriage (not for me, but for him -- that is good), bad that this sense of longing for him won't go away...

OK, so today is usually "our" day -- work is quiet, we do our work but get to go to lunch, chat, have some time together. I have been looking forward to this for a while, as last Friday he had to leave early. Well, I got a phone call a little while ago, he is still coming in, but he going to be late... seems he went to register his new motorcycle this morning (the one he bought his wife for her birthday, but that's a story for another day), and the place he went to doesn't "do" bikes, so he had to go somewhere else... I guess my question is, why not wait and do it on Saturday, especially when you claim you don't want to be spending your Saturday with her, and it's going to be pretty crappy out anyway? I'm left feeling that, once again, I come last with a person I really care about. I can't even begin to explain how sick I am of coming last. With my ex, I used to joke that I was last on his list -- but it wasn't really a joke. I wasn't even on the back burner -- hell, I wasn't even in the kitchen anymore! And with my family -- that's another story. I left my husband under the guise I would have plenty of help with my kids when I went to work. Well, my sister has postpartum (again, a story for another day), so everyone is focused on her and her baby, even though she HAS a husband and in-laws to help. Once again, I am forgottewn. I am shelling out about $1500/month in daycare for both kids, which wipes out any child support I get (WHEN I get it)... and a night out?? I always have to put my little one to bed first, before I go anywhere... because he is so "tough" -- which he's NOT. He's TWO. He is a typical, 2-year old boy -- scratch that -- he's NOT typical, he's actually very good!!! God, I get so frustrated. Oh, and I turn 40 this month, but sister's baby turns 1, so that's the big deal around here... every "milestone" birthday I have had has been no big deal. My 30th birthday I had just been dumped, and was by myself 2500 miles away from my family. Now, for yet another milestone, I am alone again, and as far as I can see, it's not a big deal to anyone. I had wanted to go on a trip to Mexico with some friends from all over the country, but no one would watch the kids -- it was deemed "too much". So I am doing NOTHING. Yay team.

I sound very negative, so why the "good" mood today? Because all in all, I am feeling physically good and strong. I no longer feel the burning need to call my ex every day, let alone several times a day. Do I still care about him? Yes. Miss him? Sometimes. Yes. Do I still think we can work this out and get back together and make it better than ever? An unequivocal NO. Reality has FINALLY sunk in. And yes, that is a good thing.

I'm done ranting for now. If you're reading, thanks for sticking it our through all of my drivel...