Better, But Still So Confused

Well, it's a Monday, that's for sure. Friday was great, then man I am falling for told me he loves me. I felt like Rudolph -- "She thinks I'm CUUUUTE!!" Really, over the moon. But mixed emotions as well -- he was leaving to head off to a weekend where he would be celebrating his wife's birthday. I let him know I would be thinking of him, but only after he told me the only reason he came in to work on Friday (he had a LOT to do at home) was to have lunch with me. He told me he honestly didn't think he would have made it through the weekend if he didn't get to see me on Friday. I, of course, melted.

Silly me...daydreaming. The night before, my sister had asked me to babysit on Saturday night, so I'm thinking of how much I would love to invite him over, spend some time after the kids go to bed...but I can't. I can't because he's married. I can't because he's worried about how it will look when they file -- will she accuse him of having an affair? Even though he hasn't had one? Even though his marriage was over long before I showed up? I can't because....I can't. And that sucks. I'm not used to that, to saying the words "I can't." They are foreign to me. I will say "we'll see" or "maybe" or even "I'll try my best", but never "I can't". Just not in my repertoire of acceptable responses. I don't like it. I don't have to like it. But I don't have any other choice than to use it in this instance. And that sucks.

In the meantime, the ex calls and I cry. I cry for what has been lost, for broken dreams, for my kids. I even cry for him, and what he is missing out on, and how bad he blew it, and how oblivious he is to that. And I cry for me, about to turn 40, with my life in such a state of flux and ambiguity. If I stop to think about it for too long I get overwhelmed and depressed. So I don't think about it too long or too often.

Ahh, I know. "Things will get better." I know. And some days, they are, they really are. Just some days....

I can't.