A Little Blue Today...

I'm a little blue today (hence the text color)... not sure it is because of one thing in particular, but a lot of things, I think. Okay, in the interest of full disclosure, I'm a LOT blue.

The man I was once in love with and married and am now divorced from keeps playing games with my head. He used to play games with my heart, but he no longer has the power to do that. Instead, he pushes my buttons using the one thing he knows will get to me every time -- my kids. He had the nerve to send me a FedEx letter stating that he will be picking up both children on 6/25/08, (a Wednesday, mind you) in the middle of the day, and will be taking them back to Texas. He thinks he is taking my son for TWO WEEKS to Texas, far away from home, to a strange place where he won't know anyone except his sister, when the prick hasn't even spent more than 10 hours with him in his little 2 year-old life (and I am being generous by using the number 10, believe me.) Not to mention he never DISCUSSED any arrangements with me (like he is supposed to -- BIG SURPRISE.) He also had the nerve to say that because I am ordered to pay 40% of all travel costs, that after I pay $350 for MY ticket, I will OWE HIM $360!!!! I am gonna OWE HIM???!!! That motherfucker OWES ME over $15,000 in child support arrears!! OMG, right now I wish I could just choke the living shit out of him. I had to go and hire another lawyer, one here in MA. He is costing me SO MUCH MONEY I DON"T HAVE. The asshole also had the nerve to say I better "plan on purchasing a ticket to Dallas for August 13th" so I can fly down to Dallas to pick up my daughter and bring her back to MA. He is INSANE if he thinks I am going to miss 3 days of work AND fly to Dallas so HE can have HIS VISITATION. He sucks. I never thought I'd ever say this, but I am no longer in love with him, and I don't love him anymore. The death of the marriage and the love broke my heart, still does sometimes, and I still wonder why sometimes, but I don't want him back. Not now, not ever. Right now I wish he would just fall off the face of the planet.

Then there is the man I have fallen in love with. He has his own crap to deal with, and I'm not certain I want to deal with it with him, after going through everything I went through. He does the whole back-and-forth thing too, and it kills me every time he says the words "I'm torn". All I have ever wanted and desired was to be someone's one and only, to have that devotion that I have always given to my partner. But no. After everything, I think I deserve it. This man claims he loves me, is madly in love with me, and that his feelings for me are "real" and "true". I actually don't question his sincerity, I think he does feel that way about me. But he wants it both ways. He says he gets "scared" at the thought of starting all over again financially, and all I can think is, well who wouldn't be?? Don't you think I was?? But I still did what I had to do to ensure I was in a better place for me and my kids... and he has a very "comfortable" (his word) life -- lots of extraneous "things" -- big house, cars, motorcycle, cabin, snowmobiles, blah blah blah, and a wife that is emotionally unavailable and unaffectionate. That's where he is torn, starts looking at all of his things and thinks to himself, "Well, my life's not so bad...", then he says he thinks of me, and it's a huge reminder of what IS missing, and what he has always wanted and desired. I guess I don't get it -- if this is what he always wanted and desired, and I am RIGHT HERE, the why is he still torn? It KILLS me, he goes home every night and lives his normal little life, they still go out to dinner, go away to the cabin on the weekend, go on motorcycle rides, and she gets to share his bed... and he can't see how much it hurts. Or he can, but he still feels the need to talk about it anyway, because my pain doesn't matter, but I don't think that's the case. I would hope I would be able to see that by now, after everything I went through with the Royal Dickhead. But who knows...?

Good thing I have therapy tonight. I am SO FUCKED UP.

:(