All over the board today...

This week has been soooooo strange. I just feel as if I don't know if I'm coming or going, which way is up, where I am going, what the hell am I doing??? My God, all I want to do is run and run and run, then just COLLAPSE and sleep for a very long time. The only thing that keeps me going is my kids... otherwise it would be so easy to just give up, cave in. I could see myself being one of those women that just goes out a lot by herself, drinks too much, goes home with anyone just to try and capture some feeling, some fleeting intimacy...fleeting would be better than nothing...only to wake up all lonely again and continue to try and fill that void...until I crossed the path of someone that eventually puts me out of my misery...

I have once again opened my heart to someone who is completely unavailable. Completely. He is married, says he is no longer in love with her, he is in love with me. But he still loves her. And lusts for her. And I know that if she ever gave him the intimacy he craves and desires, he would stay with her. He says he is planning on leaving her, because he believes she will never be able to do that. I don't know what to believe, but my gut instinct is telling me to run, and run far, far away. Problem is, I work with him. Thankfully not every day, but still...

I no longer think of my ex in terms of "well, maybe it could work if..." I now realize that it will NEVER work. He doesn't know me, doesn't get me. And I certainly don't know him. The man I fell in love with and married NEVER would have treated me the way my ex did...so mean, so cruel, so selfish...

I cried last night, watching one of my favorite movies (I know, sounds stupid). In the scene, the woman is crying about her stbx that left her for her best friend. She is saying how she misses him, misses his hands, the way he would guide her into a room by putting his hand on the small of her back...that's the stuff I miss. I miss the way he took care of me when I was pregnant with our first child, the way he would cook for me, the way he was tender and loving, the way he was concerned if I was stressed at work...the way he couldn't wait to come home and see me, the way he used to like when i initiated, they way he couldn't keep his hands off me and I knew he felt proud to be with me. That all changed. I don't know exactly when or how, but it did. That look in his eye went away, and it never came back. Even now, he says he loves me and misses me, but it's not true. It's not me he misses; it's the familiarity, the sex when he wants it, the way things were all about him...maybe that's my fault for putting myself last...I just don't know anymore.

So it's kind of a crappy day. I'll try to turn it around, but no promises...

Gimme a break...

Ugh. He calls several days in a row, I don't answer. I don't call back. Even if I really want to, I don't, because I've been down this road before and I know it is going nowhere. I am going to get my hopes up, and then... NOTHING. I have been waiting for more than TWO YEARS for this man to acknowledge that I mean SOMETHING to him, ANYTHING. And I have gotten nothing. If he says anything, he immediately negates it with a following comment, or it sounds hollow right from the beginning. I always felt that if you want something badly enough, and it's important enough to you, you find a way to get it or do it. You just MAKE IT WORK. So I guess I feel that I wasn't important enough to him. That he just didn't want to have me as a wife that badly. Of course, he would sit there and say "well I could say the same thing about you", and I suppose he could, but I'M not the one that FILED, and I NEVER had the power to put a stop to the divorce. Only he did, and he chose NOT to. I'm still hurt over this whole thing, I guess. I just want to move on and stop hurting.
Then he leaves me messages, and when I don't return them, he leaves one where he's obviously mad, and says "well, just have the kids call me if you don't want to talk to me", and THAT sure as hell doesn't make me want to talk to him. He tries to lay this guilt thing on me!! WTF??? HE divorced ME!!!! And not for nothing, but I have a LOT MORE going on than him -- I am the one that has TWO KIDS to take care of EVERY DAY, I work full-time, I take care of EVERYTHING -- by the time I get a chance to sit down at the end of the day, I'm ready to pass out! I don't get a whole lot of free time to talk to ANYONE, so WHY THE HELL would I want to waste it on him and false hope???
This SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh

OK, so I'm new to this writing online thing... but... sometimes I need to get it out. I think I'm doing well, then the ex calls and leaves me messages that screw with my head. The man owes me over $15,000 in back child support, yet he just got back from a week's vacation. He's driving a new car, and I'm driving a '99 minivan with more than 150,000 miles on it to tote my kids around. And he leaves me messages about wanting phone sex. As usual, it's all about what HE wants. Ugh.