Hey, hey, hey,
So it's Monday again, but so far so good. I spent the weekend with the kiddos -- it was Jake's 2nd birthday, the Fucktard forgot (big surprise). NBD. Anyway, Jakie had a good weekend, and the weather was surprisingly nice.
My cousin came down from Maine Fri nite and we went out for a night of good seafood, spirits, and general debauchery. Oh, and I DO mean DEBAUCHERY. No, no casual sex was involved, but we had a fabulous time -- I haven't laughed that hard, that long, in a long time. Probably not since I went to Puerto Rico with Misty and the crew last November.
Anyway, haven't been on the treadmill since last Thursday, but still feeling OK in my skin, the hives (I get them when I am stressed) are going away, and I'll get back on the exercise wagon tonight... it really is just as good for my mind as it is for my body. My patience level drops when I don't bang it out...hey, at least I realize it!!
I spent last Friday all upset over this guy I was falling for, but then exchanged emails with a good friend here, and she put things WAY into perspective. Then I got a little angry, but now I am FINE. And, I am DONE. I AM DONE. Hear that, Jackass???
Hope everyone that reads this has a great day, and a great week. Thank you for reading, listening and caring. It helps IMMENSELY!!!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
What a week...
I have been seeing this guy at work who (this is bad, please don't think any less of me) said he was leaving his wife. HE pursued ME. I finally relented, because I REALLY like him, to the point I fell for him. Thing is, I had just been getting to a point in my life where I was starting to feel good about me and where I was. I have HUGE issues with self-esteem, and this guy knows it. I think of myself as a Plain Jane, the kind of woman that men are always friends with, the smart girl (except when it comes to love and men). The girl men call to ask for her friend's number. This guy wooed me, seriously. Tells me I am a beautiful woman, blah blah blah. Takes me out to lunch every Friday, gave me the most wonderful afternoon on my birthday (a picnic in a park, beautiful day...) Tells me he is in love with me. Anyway, the past couple of weeks he has changed his "timeline" for getting out several times over, and then this week he freaked out on me. My 2-year old fell down the stairs the other night, and I called him from the ER just to let him know that I might not be in work the next day, and why. I called his cell phone, talked to him for 5 seconds, that was it. Thing is, he's the person I would call and let know of anything like that. I just wanted to give him the heads up. Well, he FREAKED on me the next day, saying I scared the hell out of him, he was worried about my son, I had been crying and he didn't feel he could talk to me, and he got the 3rd degree when he got off the phone...BLAH BLAH BLAH. Thing is, earlier that day, we had the "conversation" again, he said he is "working towards doing what he said he was going to do" (he is getting things ready so he can leave and not be financially screwed), then he comes out and says he is not leaving her in the forseeable future. Exact words. It went from, "Let me get past graduation in May", to "I'll be out of there in June", to "I don't want to get screwed on taxes, so it might not be until July or August," to "Give me a year". Oh YEAH. What the hell am I supposed to do with THAT?? WTF???? Yeah, let me hang around for your FUCKING SCRAPS for a whole FUCKING YEAR, just so you can change your fucking mind because you like your lifestyle, and your "THINGS" are more important than I am, and you would rather be in a passionless, sexless, loveless marriage and still have your STUFF. (convertibles, motorcycles, cabin, snowmobiles, great big house, etc.) WHATEVER. Guess what I view as importnat VASTLY DIFFERS. He started on me again yesterday, and that's when I decided that this is never-ending, I deserve a HELL of a lot better after everything I've been through, and I am DONE with this crap. Good God, men SUCK. I really wish he just left me the FUCK ALONE. I didn't want this, didn't ask for it, was doing FINE!!
But, I know God loves me, because I was ignoring very obvious red flags, so He gave me one I couldn't ignore and shoved it down my gullet!!! I was compromising my values, principles, morals (no, I didn't sleep with him), ethics, and self. I was betraying ME, about to embark on something I feel is truly wrong, down to my very core. God saw that, and put a stop to it. I can't even believe I was entertaining it. Thank you, God!!!
NO MORE.
But, I know God loves me, because I was ignoring very obvious red flags, so He gave me one I couldn't ignore and shoved it down my gullet!!! I was compromising my values, principles, morals (no, I didn't sleep with him), ethics, and self. I was betraying ME, about to embark on something I feel is truly wrong, down to my very core. God saw that, and put a stop to it. I can't even believe I was entertaining it. Thank you, God!!!
NO MORE.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
A Little Blue Today...
I'm a little blue today (hence the text color)... not sure it is because of one thing in particular, but a lot of things, I think. Okay, in the interest of full disclosure, I'm a LOT blue.
The man I was once in love with and married and am now divorced from keeps playing games with my head. He used to play games with my heart, but he no longer has the power to do that. Instead, he pushes my buttons using the one thing he knows will get to me every time -- my kids. He had the nerve to send me a FedEx letter stating that he will be picking up both children on 6/25/08, (a Wednesday, mind you) in the middle of the day, and will be taking them back to Texas. He thinks he is taking my son for TWO WEEKS to Texas, far away from home, to a strange place where he won't know anyone except his sister, when the prick hasn't even spent more than 10 hours with him in his little 2 year-old life (and I am being generous by using the number 10, believe me.) Not to mention he never DISCUSSED any arrangements with me (like he is supposed to -- BIG SURPRISE.) He also had the nerve to say that because I am ordered to pay 40% of all travel costs, that after I pay $350 for MY ticket, I will OWE HIM $360!!!! I am gonna OWE HIM???!!! That motherfucker OWES ME over $15,000 in child support arrears!! OMG, right now I wish I could just choke the living shit out of him. I had to go and hire another lawyer, one here in MA. He is costing me SO MUCH MONEY I DON"T HAVE. The asshole also had the nerve to say I better "plan on purchasing a ticket to Dallas for August 13th" so I can fly down to Dallas to pick up my daughter and bring her back to MA. He is INSANE if he thinks I am going to miss 3 days of work AND fly to Dallas so HE can have HIS VISITATION. He sucks. I never thought I'd ever say this, but I am no longer in love with him, and I don't love him anymore. The death of the marriage and the love broke my heart, still does sometimes, and I still wonder why sometimes, but I don't want him back. Not now, not ever. Right now I wish he would just fall off the face of the planet.
Then there is the man I have fallen in love with. He has his own crap to deal with, and I'm not certain I want to deal with it with him, after going through everything I went through. He does the whole back-and-forth thing too, and it kills me every time he says the words "I'm torn". All I have ever wanted and desired was to be someone's one and only, to have that devotion that I have always given to my partner. But no. After everything, I think I deserve it. This man claims he loves me, is madly in love with me, and that his feelings for me are "real" and "true". I actually don't question his sincerity, I think he does feel that way about me. But he wants it both ways. He says he gets "scared" at the thought of starting all over again financially, and all I can think is, well who wouldn't be?? Don't you think I was?? But I still did what I had to do to ensure I was in a better place for me and my kids... and he has a very "comfortable" (his word) life -- lots of extraneous "things" -- big house, cars, motorcycle, cabin, snowmobiles, blah blah blah, and a wife that is emotionally unavailable and unaffectionate. That's where he is torn, starts looking at all of his things and thinks to himself, "Well, my life's not so bad...", then he says he thinks of me, and it's a huge reminder of what IS missing, and what he has always wanted and desired. I guess I don't get it -- if this is what he always wanted and desired, and I am RIGHT HERE, the why is he still torn? It KILLS me, he goes home every night and lives his normal little life, they still go out to dinner, go away to the cabin on the weekend, go on motorcycle rides, and she gets to share his bed... and he can't see how much it hurts. Or he can, but he still feels the need to talk about it anyway, because my pain doesn't matter, but I don't think that's the case. I would hope I would be able to see that by now, after everything I went through with the Royal Dickhead. But who knows...?
Good thing I have therapy tonight. I am SO FUCKED UP.
:(
The man I was once in love with and married and am now divorced from keeps playing games with my head. He used to play games with my heart, but he no longer has the power to do that. Instead, he pushes my buttons using the one thing he knows will get to me every time -- my kids. He had the nerve to send me a FedEx letter stating that he will be picking up both children on 6/25/08, (a Wednesday, mind you) in the middle of the day, and will be taking them back to Texas. He thinks he is taking my son for TWO WEEKS to Texas, far away from home, to a strange place where he won't know anyone except his sister, when the prick hasn't even spent more than 10 hours with him in his little 2 year-old life (and I am being generous by using the number 10, believe me.) Not to mention he never DISCUSSED any arrangements with me (like he is supposed to -- BIG SURPRISE.) He also had the nerve to say that because I am ordered to pay 40% of all travel costs, that after I pay $350 for MY ticket, I will OWE HIM $360!!!! I am gonna OWE HIM???!!! That motherfucker OWES ME over $15,000 in child support arrears!! OMG, right now I wish I could just choke the living shit out of him. I had to go and hire another lawyer, one here in MA. He is costing me SO MUCH MONEY I DON"T HAVE. The asshole also had the nerve to say I better "plan on purchasing a ticket to Dallas for August 13th" so I can fly down to Dallas to pick up my daughter and bring her back to MA. He is INSANE if he thinks I am going to miss 3 days of work AND fly to Dallas so HE can have HIS VISITATION. He sucks. I never thought I'd ever say this, but I am no longer in love with him, and I don't love him anymore. The death of the marriage and the love broke my heart, still does sometimes, and I still wonder why sometimes, but I don't want him back. Not now, not ever. Right now I wish he would just fall off the face of the planet.
Then there is the man I have fallen in love with. He has his own crap to deal with, and I'm not certain I want to deal with it with him, after going through everything I went through. He does the whole back-and-forth thing too, and it kills me every time he says the words "I'm torn". All I have ever wanted and desired was to be someone's one and only, to have that devotion that I have always given to my partner. But no. After everything, I think I deserve it. This man claims he loves me, is madly in love with me, and that his feelings for me are "real" and "true". I actually don't question his sincerity, I think he does feel that way about me. But he wants it both ways. He says he gets "scared" at the thought of starting all over again financially, and all I can think is, well who wouldn't be?? Don't you think I was?? But I still did what I had to do to ensure I was in a better place for me and my kids... and he has a very "comfortable" (his word) life -- lots of extraneous "things" -- big house, cars, motorcycle, cabin, snowmobiles, blah blah blah, and a wife that is emotionally unavailable and unaffectionate. That's where he is torn, starts looking at all of his things and thinks to himself, "Well, my life's not so bad...", then he says he thinks of me, and it's a huge reminder of what IS missing, and what he has always wanted and desired. I guess I don't get it -- if this is what he always wanted and desired, and I am RIGHT HERE, the why is he still torn? It KILLS me, he goes home every night and lives his normal little life, they still go out to dinner, go away to the cabin on the weekend, go on motorcycle rides, and she gets to share his bed... and he can't see how much it hurts. Or he can, but he still feels the need to talk about it anyway, because my pain doesn't matter, but I don't think that's the case. I would hope I would be able to see that by now, after everything I went through with the Royal Dickhead. But who knows...?
Good thing I have therapy tonight. I am SO FUCKED UP.
:(
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