Just How I Feel

Disrespected.

Discarded.

Disposable.

Disappointed.

Disgusted.

Dismayed.

Disconnected.

Distant.

Thank God this week's almost over...

Thank God, thank God, thank God.



I have felt like absolute ASS all week -- headaches, fatigue, the night sweats are KILLING me (no such thing as a good night's sleep when you have those), my body has been so stiff and sore. Not to mention I am emotionally beat up and drained.



I am looking forward to getting away to the Inn this weekend and spending some really good quality time with the kids. It'll be fun, and we all really need it.



I am just SO SICK of people right now. OK, not "people", per se, but MEN. OK, and not ALL men, but a few in particular. The ex, who only calls when he feels like it, which is usually at the most inconvenient time of the day, when no one can talk. And never answers my questions, you know, the really important ones like "Have you booked travel arrangements for the holidays yet?" YEAH.



And N. I was thinking about it, and this one really pisses me off. One day it's all hot and heavy, then it's "whoa, gotta back up a bit, I'm not a 'relationship' tupe of guy..." then it's "I still want to see you and get together, I think we have a lot of fun, let's go out Thursday night", then I'm STOOD UP, then I get RANDOM TEXT MESSAGES. The last of which read (after I sent him one congratulating him on a new job he landed -- found out through mutual friends), and I quote: "Thanks. I'm pretty happy for me too." That was about 3 weeks ago, and I haven't heard from him since. He can rot in hell.



Along with S. You know, the MARRIED man who kept me hanging on as long as he possibly could, then fell to pieces when he thought I was "pulling away" from him, so I began to let my guard down, then -- WHACK! "Oh hey, yeah, I know I said I was 'done' and all with my marriage, and I was looking forward to spending time with you once I left and was on my own, but hey, now she actually wants to do all the sexual things I have wanted for so long, so I don't need you or the fantasy of you anymore. I'm done with that, I used you to give me hope and feed my ego, but she has come around to my ideas, so I don't need you anymore. Unless, of course, I find out later that she really isn't game and she is just putting on a charade. Then I'll want you again." YEEEEEAAAAAAAAH.



OK, trying to put these all in perspective and learn my lessons. No selfish, narcissistic assholes. (Is that redundant?) Check. No men looking for another "mommy" to take care of THEM. Check. No married men. Check. (That was an admittedly stupid thing to ever even contemplate. He basically wooed me and talked me into believing it was all okay and going to be okay, but I can't completely blame him. I am my own person, I made up my own mind, and I am responsible for my own actions. I behaved like an idiot, ignored the warning signs and my own morals/conscience, and I got burned. Serves me right. But he is still a selfish prick.) No more men that have the words "Damaged Beyond Repair" across their foreheads. Check. No men that still live with their mothers. Check. No men that have never been married and are over the age of 40. Check. I could probably go on, but I'll stop at that.

Friday, at LAST...

Oh my GOD, this week has DRAGGED...

First of all, the Red Sox won, they fucking WON, HOLY SHIT, THEY PULLED IT OFF!! Never saw that one coming. I really didn't. If they manage to win the ALCS, they deserve the title of The Comeback Kings.

S. is a coward. He is choosing to completely avoid me like the ass that he is. (Which is actually nice for me, no tension in the office and I don't have to look at his pathetic sorry ass all day.) But for Christ's sake, GROW SOME BALLS and face the music. Period, THE END, as Misty would say.

I'm feeling pretty good today, planning for Halloween, even left the FH a voicemail to ask him to call C. on 10/20 to wish her good luck in b-ball tryouts, and tell him a funny story about J. It was all on VM, as, again, I seem to have a knack for being involved with men devoid of spines and testicles. Whatever. I'm doing the right thing, trying to be a good person. My family gets upset when I do things like that, but I can't exclude him from the kids' lives, and it only benefits the kids if he knows more. Besides, I'm the one that has to live with myself, and try to sleep at night, and look at myself in the mirror every morning. So I'm going to do what I feel is right. As long as I don't expect others (*ahem*) to act as I would, I'll be fine. No expectations, no disappointment. I am "managing my expectations" as old Pete would have said. It certainly helps.

Oh, and on my way in to the office today, I passed Joe Wakefield in his truck, he pulled out behind me and followed me for a few minutes. Speaking of men with no cajones...

Here's to the SOX and a great weekend coming up!

OK, I'm Crying Uncle...

God, it has been one of those weeks. I am SO over this week.

I am so angry with myself. And Him. He is an ASS. And so is every other LOSER I have managed to date this year. The only comfort is that I can still look at the ex and know that I made the right decision, I am better off.

A journal entry from Tuesday:

• It starts with him telling me, all proud, "I left," with a smile on his face while he shows me his new housekey that is hanging from his keychain. Then he proceeds to regale me with all the drama that was his weekend, how he packed up on Friday and she asked him not to go, swore for the umpteenth time she had changed, blah blah blah (I have been listening to this for almost a year), and he decided to stay the night. And have sex with her. He continued on about how he still has stuff in the house, went back on Sunday to fix something, and that he will be seeing K. on Wednesday. This after telling me for WEEKS about how he couldn't wait to get out, was putting all of his ducks in a row, he is DONE, he has closed the door, and dramatically looking at me and saying "Just don't give up on me. I'm coming." THEN, telling me last week that he was looking forward to being alone, and his "plan" was to distance himself from both of us. So when he brought up seeing her Wednesday, I told him, "So much for that whole plan of distancing yourself, huh? Or don't you remember saying that?" FUCK HIM. I guess I am still mad at myself for falling for the crap he handed out. And I'm mad at him and hurt, too. He has officially broken my heart TWICE, that motherfucker, and he DOES NOT get a third chance. He complained for MONTHS about how selfish K. is. MONTHS. I told him last week they deserve each other, because his actions towards me were nothing BUT self-serving. It had NOTHING to do with me, making me feel better about myself. It had EVERYTHING to do with him feeding his own ego. FUCK HIM.
  
  I don't understand why she is so fucking special. He told me he felt like he "settled", he was never head over heels, never had the intimacy (communication-wise) with her that he had with me. So tell me, is she going to magically start communicating and stop avoiding issues? Kiss him like I did? Look into his eyes? Really GIVE herself? Who knows. I sure as hell don’t. But it doesn't matter. In the end, it just doesn't matter. For whatever reason, I am not enough. Not good enough, pretty enough, whatever enough. Whatever. Maybe he is just weak, and the call of sex was just irresistible. Maybe he just had some sort of fantasy about what things would be like with me, you know, “the grass is always greener” type of thing, but then reality hit. I don’t know. And as much as I would LOVE to say I don’t CARE, that just isn’t the case. Unfortunately. Maybe someday it will be, but it isn’t right now, not right this second. Maybe, maybe, maybe. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. It doesn’t matter anymore. It just doesn’t fucking matter. Call it Karma. I engaged in an emotional affair, and I got burned. Shame on me, I know/knew better, but I still did it. It was wrong, I knew it. But it CERTAINLY will NOT happen again.
  
  I would ALWAYS be SECOND CHOICE. I said that before to him, and he told me that wasn’t the case. But it’s true. I knew it was true then, and I still know it’s true. I would always be second. ALWAYS. And that's just not good enough for me. I deserve better. I have been through too much and have worked too hard to come so far to settle for that. I deserve to be Number One in somebody’s life. I am not some second-rate selfish bitch that puts herself before anyone else. I don’t live that way, it’s not me. Not in my wiring. So I deserve better than to be thought of or treated that way. I am better than that. I AM better than that. I am BETTER THAN THAT!!
  
  FUCK HIM!

I actually printed that entry out and gave it to him, not entirely sure why. Maybe so he knew I was done, maybe so he would hurt even a tiny bit. Maybe because I still think he's a selfisj motherfucker.

So what does HE do? He "responds"! Are you fucking KIDDING me?? Here is his fucking PEACH of a response:

• There is so much to say and I know whatever I say will kill you…
  
  Because no matter what I say, it is not I am all yours, and available the way you want me.
  
  Saying nothing doesn’t make it any easier either.
  
  Everything I ever said to you is true. In the moment I never felt as if I was hiding anything from you. The most difficult part of this is how much of a friend you truly have been to me all the while giving me your heart.
  
  I am broken hearted I have hurt you again, and mad at myself for doing it. Which I am sure you don’t feel is pain enough but please know I hurt every time I see you or even think of you.
  
  I was not prepared to tell you what had happened, and the way it was told to you I know was tragically executed. I could hear myself talking, and was just trying to get the words out because I was so fearful of the reaction.
  
  I never wanted this… to hurt you. Yes I courted you… but it was simply to make you feel better about yourself and yes I agree “me better about myself.” But I never intended for it to go so far…
  
  I am still infatuated by you, your strength, your courage, your wit, your tenderness, and yes your passion. You are an amazing woman, and my feelings for you are incredibly complex…
  
  I don’t want you to feel discarded. I still only want to share with you so much of my life.
  
  Which I now know is impossible.
  
  I cry at the thought of never speaking to you again.
  
  My thoughts early on in our relationship were to simply make you feel better about yourself and watch you move on because I was married. Your thoughts and ideas for me trying to save my marriage were amazing to me… your frustration with my situation comforting.
  
  I never meant to fall in love with you…and believe me I have…
  
  And yes the problem is I am in love with Kathy…
  
  I crossed the line, I could see you falling for me and the passion missing from my life was like a drug. The time I had an affair before was nothing like this in my heart. She never expressed any desire for me to leave Kathy, we were friends with benefits… And that is NOT how I feel about you. She used me as much as I used her for comfort… with you I am constantly torn to leave or stay with Kathy.
  
  In recent weeks as I established the fact I HAD to leave. I was looking for support from anyone and everyone… but most of all, the one person who made me realize I was not happy, with my situation. The one person, I LOVE for making me realize, I DESERVE BETTER, who gave me the strength to fight for myself when I had given up hope.
  
  When I pulled away the first time I sought the help of Betty. Who became a supporter and told me to leave too… you may have even felt jealous of her I am not sure…I explained to her my fears of rebounding with a woman I had great interest in, and that I was trying to keep my distance from the other woman. Knowing I had already hurt you once…
  
  I never really thought any of my discussions with Kathy would ever work, I agreed to the marriage builders course because it repeated all the things I had been expressing to Kathy, and at a minimum I could at least say I gave it one more try. However, after I could see the Marriage builders course was not going to work and the incredible wall was not coming down… I really set my focus on getting out… and I was focused on getting to a point I could show you “My Champion” I was fighting for my happiness.
  
  The timing for me to leave broke down much earlier than I expected, and yes again I was not prepared… However, I felt close enough and all my planning, my frustration, I had a place to go and when she asked I gave her the truth. I was leaving and I really didn’t care.
  
  This is what happened next and I need to explain this part as best I can… in the hopes you understand.
  
  I told her I wanted to date other people and she pleaded with me not too. She asked why, and I told her because I wanted a different kind of sex life and level of intimacy than she was willing to try and understand or even talk about. When I made the statement to her the only person I was thinking of seeing was you.
  
  I am not sure you are prepared for what I truly want. However, I do believe you could be open to it based on our discussions. So there is a bit of unknown with you as well as Kathy on this subject.
  
  However, I never expected Kathy to get it or even give it a thought …. and I am not 100% convinced she has, that is why I left. She asked for this to be a one month break, I am not so sure it won’t be longer, but after all it has been a whopping three days. I agreed to not seeing others, but have not agreed to the length in time.
  
  I told her I needed space and I am taking as much of it as I can on a regular basis… so yes… when I say I am distancing myself I feel I am. This is the first week and maybe seeing her twice a week for 2-3 hours at a time compared to every night yes that is the beginning of distancing myself from her.. and her from me.
  
  However, Kathy’s understanding and communication on the one subject we have fought time and time again about sex, passion, desire, and intimacy seems to have changed and she is listening to my ideas of what I want for a lifestyle.
  
  Am I 100% convinced this is all going to work out? No…
  
  I can’t express all of what and how she is finally communicating without potentially hurting you even more deeply than I already have.
  
  However, the walls are down and she is really communicating about it…
  
  Something I have hoped for, for a very long time.
  
  She has bought the “Story of O” DVD, purchased the book “Different Loving”
  
  Based on my past experiences and discussion with her I felt she would never agree to my true “Dominant” desires.
  
  However, she has said if it means the difference between losing you, or trying this I will try and from what I have seen and experienced she has made more effort than I ever expected.
  
  You mentioned I have an infinite amount of hope…
  
  The one thing I always think about is when Bonnie left me how I felt, and the pain associated with it. She may or may not have told me what the real problem was… I honestly don’t remember because I think I was oblivious to it just like Kathy was… but I know I “CHANGED” after the experience, and I still wish to this day she had given me a “REAL” chance once I realized the things I didn’t do for her.
  
  I really feel this is why I continue to give her a chance…
  
  The difference now really is…I have never actually left before, I have never fought day in and day out for my happiness…
  
  Why? The only reason I know is “Rhonda” and I LOVE YOU FOR IT.
  
  You can scream, yell, and hit me with your swords… I deserve it… but I love you for waking me up and making me fight for my happiness.
  
  I do love you… maybe not the way you want me to… but I do love you.
  
  And I will never Deny that.
  
  I'm not a perfect personThere's many things I wish I didn't doBut I continue learningI never meant to do those things to youAnd so I have to say before I goThat I just want you to knowI've found a reason for meTo change who I used to beA reason to start over newand the reason is youI'm sorry that I hurt youIt's something I must live with every dayAnd all the pain I put you throughI wish that I could take it all awayAnd be the one who catches all your tearsThat's why I need you to hearI've found a reason for meTo change who I used to beA reason to start over newand the reason is you [x4]I'm not a perfect personI never meant to do those things to youAnd so I have to say before I goThat I just want you to knowI've found a reason for meTo change who I used to beA reason to start over newand the reason is youI've found a reason to showA side of me you didn't knowA reason for all that I doAnd the reason is you
  
  

So of course I have to respond, in nothing more than an effort to get the last word, shut him UP, and shut him DOWN:

• 
  Again, no response was required.
  But since you felt the absolute "need", I went ahead and stupidly read it.
  So you think she has "changed", she is "different", BLAH BLAH BLAH. And now, all of a sudden, you are "IN LOVE" with her? Well, I have to say, that certainly is news to me after months of me hearing that you aren't.
  You talked about never "blowing" a second chance again. You talked about a lot of things. You talked about my KIDS, and wanting the "whole package" (even when I asked you to NOT talk about them.) You talked about wanting to talk to me anytime you pleased, being able to spend time with me...then that turned into "distancing yourself" from BOTH OF US. You are NOT DOING THAT. Seeing her a couple of times a week is NOT taking a break for a month or distancing yourself. And to say you are taking a break for a month is not leaving. All the "I just want OUT", "I can't WAIT to be OUT", "I HAVE to do this, things will never change" -- all words, JUST WORDS. I was distancing myself in hopes that things for the two of you would work out, but you became insistent that they wouldn't, and began talking about your "new life", your future without her, leaving, BLAH BLAH BLAH. ALL JUST WORDS.
  Well, I don't believe a SINGLE WORD that comes out of your mouth anymore. I think you don't know what the fuck you want (aside from in the bedroom, where you are ever-so-definitive), and I think the fact that you continue to "share" with me about how you feel about someone else and what is going on with you and that person is utterly and completely selfish and self-serving -- you needed to ease your own guilty conscience. You felt the need to "explain" things for YOUR OWN sake, not mine. Had you been thinking of ME for a fucking SECOND you would have kept your mouth SHUT and left me alone. You knew your words would hurt, but you still felt the need to put them out there.
  Let me ask you this: does Kathy know about me? Does she know ANYTHING about me??? I'm guessing NO, because that would certainly not work in YOUR favor.
  So you see, none of this matters. It just doesn't fucking matter. You go be with her, she's your wife, fix your marriage. I hope it all works out for the two of you, because I really believe now that you two belong together and deserve each other.)
  You are NOT my friend. You do NOT love me. My true, good friends would NEVER treat me the way you have, nor I them.
  I do not trust you. Not one iota.
  LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
• 
  What you see's not what you get
  With you there's just no measurement
  No way to tell what's real from what isn't there
  Your eyes they sparkled
  That's all changed into lies that drop like acid rain
  You washed away the best of me
  You don't care
  You know you did it
  I'm gone
  To find someone to live for
  In this world
  There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
  Just a bridge that I gotta burn
  You were wrong
  If you think you can walk right through my door
  That is just so you
  Coming back when I've finally moved on
  I'm already gone
  Sometimes shattered
  Never open
  Nothing matters
  When you're broken
  That was me whenever I was with you
  Always ending
  Always over
  Back and forth, up and down like a rollercoaster
  I am breaking
  That habit
  Today
  You know you did it
  I'm gone
  To find someone to live for
  In this world
  There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
  Just a bridge that I gotta burn
  You were wrong
  If you think you can walk right through my door
  That is just so you
  Coming back when I've finally moved on
  I'm already gone
  There is nothing you can say
  Sorry doesn't cut it, babe
  Take the hit and walk away
  'Cause I'm gone
  Doesn't matter what you do
  It's what you did that's hurting you
  All I needed was the truth
  Now I'm gone
• PS:
  And I don't want your love. I don't want anything from you. Not ever again.
  Just want to make sure we are CLEAR on that. At least ONE of us can know EXACTLY what she wants and will communicate it CLEARLY.

I think it's working, he has left me alone today.

Still, I am still so very angry at him, his lies, his deception. What the HELL was I thinking?? Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater... I KNOW that. What the fuck is wrong with me??

In a Funk

I have been all over the place. My dad was in the hospital (just came home today), my sister was in the hospital (a different one -- something with her heart) so I was taking care of my son and hers for about a week, and then I have been dealing with Asswipe (that is now his name in my cellphone) about $$. He has been emailing me asking me to pay him $2700 for my 40% share of the travel costs for HIS fucking visitation. Can you BELIEVE THAT??? He owes me $18,000, but he expects ME to send HIM a check!!!! ASAP, no less!!! What a fucking moron. Anyway, Carina comes back next Wed night, then we go to a pretrial confreence on Thurs. (yipp-fucking-ee) My stomach is already a mess. I can't eat anything without it going right through me. I've lost more weight, to the point where people at work are commenting about it. Normally that would be good, but it's not because I feel like crap and my ass really hurts. (sorry to be so gross!!!)

I'm still dating the guy I met on match.com, it's OK, really just more of a way to pass time and get some. God, that sounded awful. But it's true. He's nice, kinda funny. Definitely has "issues" (I guess we all do.) I don't look at it like, "Oh, I want to be with him and ONLY him." God, I don't know if I'll ever be like that with anyone ever again. Do you ever think that way too? Maybe I'm just too jaded right now. I don't know. Part of me is pissed that Asswipe has a girlfriend and is treating her nice and taking her places. I was the mother of his children, his WIFE, and he treated me like crap. I asked him to take me out on a date once EVERY OTHER MONTH. i asked for this REPEATEDLY. I would tell him that's what I wanted for my birthday, for Christmas, etc. NEVER HAPPENED.
i sound so bitter today. :( I don't like it.

Been Away a While...

I have been all over the place -- LITERALLY. I go away every weekend, to either Maine (my cousin lives in Kennebunkport) or Cape Cod (another cousin has a house down there). This weekend I'll be in New Hampshire housesitting for my other cousin, they have a nice place with a beautiful in-ground pool, hot tub. Went to Telluride for the 4th of July, it was awesome. I went on like a "healing" trip, kind of like I did when I went to Arizona last summer, so I could get some closure and not have any negative feelings towards the place. I juust wanted to be able to associate Colorado with positive experiences. So I went, and I had a BALL. Met 2 guys, a GM of a resort there, but he is moving to Costa Rica in November to be a GM of a resort down there.... may have to visit!!! :-) He is 33, and blond/blue-eyed... also met a millionaire, tall dark & handsome, 35, runs his own companies, HOT. Both are funny, smart, good kissers. Yup, I had FUN. Went mountain biking, saw live music, drank a little too much, ate good food, went to the hot springs, got a great tan.

Carina is still in TX with Asswipe (now his official name, it's programmed in my cell, hahaha -- his ringtone is "Loser" by Beck... hahahahahaha), she won't be home until the 13th , which is a total bummer. She is missing a lot. But she's having fun. Last Saturday Eric was pushing me again for a "committment" (meaning getting married again), then (after I said NO WAY) the very next day he was going to the movies with Carina, his "friend" Jen, and Jen's kids.... kind funny (after I got over the initial shock and rejection.) He sucks SO BAD.

The State of MA took over $2,000 from Dillhole's bank account and gave it to me, because he owes so much in back suppport!!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA I didn't know, and I called him to talk about trying to settle the visitation schedule (so we don't have to go to trial, as we have a pre-trial conference here on 8/14), and he was mean and nasty (I know, nothing new, but usually I have an idea why, and this time I didn't.) Well, a few days later I checked my bank account to balance it, and I saw the deposit, and it was from the MA Dept of Revenue Child Support Enforcement Services, so I called them and asked if he was paying off his back support, and they told me, "No, it was an enforcement action initiated by the state of MA." I asked what that meant, and the guy explained that the state could levy bank accounts, intercept taxes, put liens on property, attach pay, etc etc OH MY GOD!!!!! My Dad laughed his ASS off. hahahahaha Then he sends me a fucking FedEx letter stating that I owe HIM $1500.00 for all the summer travel. Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh......NO. I am NOT PAYING him a fucking dime until he pays me what he owes in back support, or until a judge orders I do. He can kiss my ever-lovin' ASS. Not to mention that he didn't even think to submit any receipts -- oh yeah, that's because EVERYONE ELSE pays his way..... and if he thinks for one minute that I am going to give him money for something that didn't even come out of his own pocket, he is SADLY mistaken.

That's all for now.....

Good Monday, So Far...

Hey, hey, hey,
So it's Monday again, but so far so good. I spent the weekend with the kiddos -- it was Jake's 2nd birthday, the Fucktard forgot (big surprise). NBD. Anyway, Jakie had a good weekend, and the weather was surprisingly nice.
My cousin came down from Maine Fri nite and we went out for a night of good seafood, spirits, and general debauchery. Oh, and I DO mean DEBAUCHERY. No, no casual sex was involved, but we had a fabulous time -- I haven't laughed that hard, that long, in a long time. Probably not since I went to Puerto Rico with Misty and the crew last November.
Anyway, haven't been on the treadmill since last Thursday, but still feeling OK in my skin, the hives (I get them when I am stressed) are going away, and I'll get back on the exercise wagon tonight... it really is just as good for my mind as it is for my body. My patience level drops when I don't bang it out...hey, at least I realize it!!
I spent last Friday all upset over this guy I was falling for, but then exchanged emails with a good friend here, and she put things WAY into perspective. Then I got a little angry, but now I am FINE. And, I am DONE. I AM DONE. Hear that, Jackass???
Hope everyone that reads this has a great day, and a great week. Thank you for reading, listening and caring. It helps IMMENSELY!!!

What a week...

I have been seeing this guy at work who (this is bad, please don't think any less of me) said he was leaving his wife. HE pursued ME. I finally relented, because I REALLY like him, to the point I fell for him. Thing is, I had just been getting to a point in my life where I was starting to feel good about me and where I was. I have HUGE issues with self-esteem, and this guy knows it. I think of myself as a Plain Jane, the kind of woman that men are always friends with, the smart girl (except when it comes to love and men). The girl men call to ask for her friend's number. This guy wooed me, seriously. Tells me I am a beautiful woman, blah blah blah. Takes me out to lunch every Friday, gave me the most wonderful afternoon on my birthday (a picnic in a park, beautiful day...) Tells me he is in love with me. Anyway, the past couple of weeks he has changed his "timeline" for getting out several times over, and then this week he freaked out on me. My 2-year old fell down the stairs the other night, and I called him from the ER just to let him know that I might not be in work the next day, and why. I called his cell phone, talked to him for 5 seconds, that was it. Thing is, he's the person I would call and let know of anything like that. I just wanted to give him the heads up. Well, he FREAKED on me the next day, saying I scared the hell out of him, he was worried about my son, I had been crying and he didn't feel he could talk to me, and he got the 3rd degree when he got off the phone...BLAH BLAH BLAH. Thing is, earlier that day, we had the "conversation" again, he said he is "working towards doing what he said he was going to do" (he is getting things ready so he can leave and not be financially screwed), then he comes out and says he is not leaving her in the forseeable future. Exact words. It went from, "Let me get past graduation in May", to "I'll be out of there in June", to "I don't want to get screwed on taxes, so it might not be until July or August," to "Give me a year". Oh YEAH. What the hell am I supposed to do with THAT?? WTF???? Yeah, let me hang around for your FUCKING SCRAPS for a whole FUCKING YEAR, just so you can change your fucking mind because you like your lifestyle, and your "THINGS" are more important than I am, and you would rather be in a passionless, sexless, loveless marriage and still have your STUFF. (convertibles, motorcycles, cabin, snowmobiles, great big house, etc.) WHATEVER. Guess what I view as importnat VASTLY DIFFERS. He started on me again yesterday, and that's when I decided that this is never-ending, I deserve a HELL of a lot better after everything I've been through, and I am DONE with this crap. Good God, men SUCK. I really wish he just left me the FUCK ALONE. I didn't want this, didn't ask for it, was doing FINE!!

But, I know God loves me, because I was ignoring very obvious red flags, so He gave me one I couldn't ignore and shoved it down my gullet!!! I was compromising my values, principles, morals (no, I didn't sleep with him), ethics, and self. I was betraying ME, about to embark on something I feel is truly wrong, down to my very core. God saw that, and put a stop to it. I can't even believe I was entertaining it. Thank you, God!!!

NO MORE.

A Little Blue Today...

I'm a little blue today (hence the text color)... not sure it is because of one thing in particular, but a lot of things, I think. Okay, in the interest of full disclosure, I'm a LOT blue.

The man I was once in love with and married and am now divorced from keeps playing games with my head. He used to play games with my heart, but he no longer has the power to do that. Instead, he pushes my buttons using the one thing he knows will get to me every time -- my kids. He had the nerve to send me a FedEx letter stating that he will be picking up both children on 6/25/08, (a Wednesday, mind you) in the middle of the day, and will be taking them back to Texas. He thinks he is taking my son for TWO WEEKS to Texas, far away from home, to a strange place where he won't know anyone except his sister, when the prick hasn't even spent more than 10 hours with him in his little 2 year-old life (and I am being generous by using the number 10, believe me.) Not to mention he never DISCUSSED any arrangements with me (like he is supposed to -- BIG SURPRISE.) He also had the nerve to say that because I am ordered to pay 40% of all travel costs, that after I pay $350 for MY ticket, I will OWE HIM $360!!!! I am gonna OWE HIM???!!! That motherfucker OWES ME over $15,000 in child support arrears!! OMG, right now I wish I could just choke the living shit out of him. I had to go and hire another lawyer, one here in MA. He is costing me SO MUCH MONEY I DON"T HAVE. The asshole also had the nerve to say I better "plan on purchasing a ticket to Dallas for August 13th" so I can fly down to Dallas to pick up my daughter and bring her back to MA. He is INSANE if he thinks I am going to miss 3 days of work AND fly to Dallas so HE can have HIS VISITATION. He sucks. I never thought I'd ever say this, but I am no longer in love with him, and I don't love him anymore. The death of the marriage and the love broke my heart, still does sometimes, and I still wonder why sometimes, but I don't want him back. Not now, not ever. Right now I wish he would just fall off the face of the planet.

Then there is the man I have fallen in love with. He has his own crap to deal with, and I'm not certain I want to deal with it with him, after going through everything I went through. He does the whole back-and-forth thing too, and it kills me every time he says the words "I'm torn". All I have ever wanted and desired was to be someone's one and only, to have that devotion that I have always given to my partner. But no. After everything, I think I deserve it. This man claims he loves me, is madly in love with me, and that his feelings for me are "real" and "true". I actually don't question his sincerity, I think he does feel that way about me. But he wants it both ways. He says he gets "scared" at the thought of starting all over again financially, and all I can think is, well who wouldn't be?? Don't you think I was?? But I still did what I had to do to ensure I was in a better place for me and my kids... and he has a very "comfortable" (his word) life -- lots of extraneous "things" -- big house, cars, motorcycle, cabin, snowmobiles, blah blah blah, and a wife that is emotionally unavailable and unaffectionate. That's where he is torn, starts looking at all of his things and thinks to himself, "Well, my life's not so bad...", then he says he thinks of me, and it's a huge reminder of what IS missing, and what he has always wanted and desired. I guess I don't get it -- if this is what he always wanted and desired, and I am RIGHT HERE, the why is he still torn? It KILLS me, he goes home every night and lives his normal little life, they still go out to dinner, go away to the cabin on the weekend, go on motorcycle rides, and she gets to share his bed... and he can't see how much it hurts. Or he can, but he still feels the need to talk about it anyway, because my pain doesn't matter, but I don't think that's the case. I would hope I would be able to see that by now, after everything I went through with the Royal Dickhead. But who knows...?

Good thing I have therapy tonight. I am SO FUCKED UP.

:(

Ah, to be 40...

OK, I am CHOOSING to be happy. I am CHOOSING to have a positive outlook today. Turning 40 doesn't bother me, it has just been a tough week. But I know things could be sooooo much worse. I mean, I need a new car, I am basically homeless (I live with my sister in her house), but at least I have a good job. And I am healthy, as are my kids. It could be a lot worse. Sooooooo... I can choose to wallow in self-pity, act like a "victim", you know the song, "boo hoo, everything happens TO ME, everyone does things TO ME, nothing is fair TO ME, blah blah blah" (OK, not a real song, but the one that we all sing from time to time, nonetheless...) OR, I can choose to view all of this as yet another challenge. And we ALL know this one: Whatever doen't kill us only makes us stronger. And I believe that, I really do. So I am choosing challenge. I can and will get through this challenging time, yet again. I am stronger every day, and I know that God would NEVER hand me something I couldn't handle. EVER. He knows I can do this. So, if God has faith in me, who am I not to??

I CAN do this, and I WILL do this. Will it be easy? Probably not. But anything really worth having usually doesn't come easy (I know, cliche, but true), at least not in my experience. Doesn't matter. I CAN, and I WILL.

"Wiggle your big toe." (from Kill Bill Vol. 2 -- a great lesson in will and choices!)

Thanks for reading/listening...

Another Friday night...

Ahhh... another Friday, another night with no date. Not that I have been looking, or "putting myself out there", but still... it would be nice to have at least one night out with someone that I find attractive, that finds me attractive, and have some fun, some good conversation, and maybe even a kiss or two...

I think that's the toughest thing right now -- the longing for some sort of physical closeness to someone. God, I want SO BAD to snuggle, especially up to someone that wants it and welcomes it!! It has been a long time since I have had that, and I really, truly miss it.

Doesn't help that I have a thing for my married coworker... bad, bad, bad, all the way around. Bad that I have feelings for him, bad that he is in the process of leaving his marriage (not for me, but for him -- that is good), bad that this sense of longing for him won't go away...

OK, so today is usually "our" day -- work is quiet, we do our work but get to go to lunch, chat, have some time together. I have been looking forward to this for a while, as last Friday he had to leave early. Well, I got a phone call a little while ago, he is still coming in, but he going to be late... seems he went to register his new motorcycle this morning (the one he bought his wife for her birthday, but that's a story for another day), and the place he went to doesn't "do" bikes, so he had to go somewhere else... I guess my question is, why not wait and do it on Saturday, especially when you claim you don't want to be spending your Saturday with her, and it's going to be pretty crappy out anyway? I'm left feeling that, once again, I come last with a person I really care about. I can't even begin to explain how sick I am of coming last. With my ex, I used to joke that I was last on his list -- but it wasn't really a joke. I wasn't even on the back burner -- hell, I wasn't even in the kitchen anymore! And with my family -- that's another story. I left my husband under the guise I would have plenty of help with my kids when I went to work. Well, my sister has postpartum (again, a story for another day), so everyone is focused on her and her baby, even though she HAS a husband and in-laws to help. Once again, I am forgottewn. I am shelling out about $1500/month in daycare for both kids, which wipes out any child support I get (WHEN I get it)... and a night out?? I always have to put my little one to bed first, before I go anywhere... because he is so "tough" -- which he's NOT. He's TWO. He is a typical, 2-year old boy -- scratch that -- he's NOT typical, he's actually very good!!! God, I get so frustrated. Oh, and I turn 40 this month, but sister's baby turns 1, so that's the big deal around here... every "milestone" birthday I have had has been no big deal. My 30th birthday I had just been dumped, and was by myself 2500 miles away from my family. Now, for yet another milestone, I am alone again, and as far as I can see, it's not a big deal to anyone. I had wanted to go on a trip to Mexico with some friends from all over the country, but no one would watch the kids -- it was deemed "too much". So I am doing NOTHING. Yay team.

I sound very negative, so why the "good" mood today? Because all in all, I am feeling physically good and strong. I no longer feel the burning need to call my ex every day, let alone several times a day. Do I still care about him? Yes. Miss him? Sometimes. Yes. Do I still think we can work this out and get back together and make it better than ever? An unequivocal NO. Reality has FINALLY sunk in. And yes, that is a good thing.

I'm done ranting for now. If you're reading, thanks for sticking it our through all of my drivel...

Better, But Still So Confused

Well, it's a Monday, that's for sure. Friday was great, then man I am falling for told me he loves me. I felt like Rudolph -- "She thinks I'm CUUUUTE!!" Really, over the moon. But mixed emotions as well -- he was leaving to head off to a weekend where he would be celebrating his wife's birthday. I let him know I would be thinking of him, but only after he told me the only reason he came in to work on Friday (he had a LOT to do at home) was to have lunch with me. He told me he honestly didn't think he would have made it through the weekend if he didn't get to see me on Friday. I, of course, melted.

Silly me...daydreaming. The night before, my sister had asked me to babysit on Saturday night, so I'm thinking of how much I would love to invite him over, spend some time after the kids go to bed...but I can't. I can't because he's married. I can't because he's worried about how it will look when they file -- will she accuse him of having an affair? Even though he hasn't had one? Even though his marriage was over long before I showed up? I can't because....I can't. And that sucks. I'm not used to that, to saying the words "I can't." They are foreign to me. I will say "we'll see" or "maybe" or even "I'll try my best", but never "I can't". Just not in my repertoire of acceptable responses. I don't like it. I don't have to like it. But I don't have any other choice than to use it in this instance. And that sucks.

In the meantime, the ex calls and I cry. I cry for what has been lost, for broken dreams, for my kids. I even cry for him, and what he is missing out on, and how bad he blew it, and how oblivious he is to that. And I cry for me, about to turn 40, with my life in such a state of flux and ambiguity. If I stop to think about it for too long I get overwhelmed and depressed. So I don't think about it too long or too often.

Ahh, I know. "Things will get better." I know. And some days, they are, they really are. Just some days....

I can't.

All over the board today...

This week has been soooooo strange. I just feel as if I don't know if I'm coming or going, which way is up, where I am going, what the hell am I doing??? My God, all I want to do is run and run and run, then just COLLAPSE and sleep for a very long time. The only thing that keeps me going is my kids... otherwise it would be so easy to just give up, cave in. I could see myself being one of those women that just goes out a lot by herself, drinks too much, goes home with anyone just to try and capture some feeling, some fleeting intimacy...fleeting would be better than nothing...only to wake up all lonely again and continue to try and fill that void...until I crossed the path of someone that eventually puts me out of my misery...

I have once again opened my heart to someone who is completely unavailable. Completely. He is married, says he is no longer in love with her, he is in love with me. But he still loves her. And lusts for her. And I know that if she ever gave him the intimacy he craves and desires, he would stay with her. He says he is planning on leaving her, because he believes she will never be able to do that. I don't know what to believe, but my gut instinct is telling me to run, and run far, far away. Problem is, I work with him. Thankfully not every day, but still...

I no longer think of my ex in terms of "well, maybe it could work if..." I now realize that it will NEVER work. He doesn't know me, doesn't get me. And I certainly don't know him. The man I fell in love with and married NEVER would have treated me the way my ex did...so mean, so cruel, so selfish...

I cried last night, watching one of my favorite movies (I know, sounds stupid). In the scene, the woman is crying about her stbx that left her for her best friend. She is saying how she misses him, misses his hands, the way he would guide her into a room by putting his hand on the small of her back...that's the stuff I miss. I miss the way he took care of me when I was pregnant with our first child, the way he would cook for me, the way he was tender and loving, the way he was concerned if I was stressed at work...the way he couldn't wait to come home and see me, the way he used to like when i initiated, they way he couldn't keep his hands off me and I knew he felt proud to be with me. That all changed. I don't know exactly when or how, but it did. That look in his eye went away, and it never came back. Even now, he says he loves me and misses me, but it's not true. It's not me he misses; it's the familiarity, the sex when he wants it, the way things were all about him...maybe that's my fault for putting myself last...I just don't know anymore.

So it's kind of a crappy day. I'll try to turn it around, but no promises...

Gimme a break...

Ugh. He calls several days in a row, I don't answer. I don't call back. Even if I really want to, I don't, because I've been down this road before and I know it is going nowhere. I am going to get my hopes up, and then... NOTHING. I have been waiting for more than TWO YEARS for this man to acknowledge that I mean SOMETHING to him, ANYTHING. And I have gotten nothing. If he says anything, he immediately negates it with a following comment, or it sounds hollow right from the beginning. I always felt that if you want something badly enough, and it's important enough to you, you find a way to get it or do it. You just MAKE IT WORK. So I guess I feel that I wasn't important enough to him. That he just didn't want to have me as a wife that badly. Of course, he would sit there and say "well I could say the same thing about you", and I suppose he could, but I'M not the one that FILED, and I NEVER had the power to put a stop to the divorce. Only he did, and he chose NOT to. I'm still hurt over this whole thing, I guess. I just want to move on and stop hurting.
Then he leaves me messages, and when I don't return them, he leaves one where he's obviously mad, and says "well, just have the kids call me if you don't want to talk to me", and THAT sure as hell doesn't make me want to talk to him. He tries to lay this guilt thing on me!! WTF??? HE divorced ME!!!! And not for nothing, but I have a LOT MORE going on than him -- I am the one that has TWO KIDS to take care of EVERY DAY, I work full-time, I take care of EVERYTHING -- by the time I get a chance to sit down at the end of the day, I'm ready to pass out! I don't get a whole lot of free time to talk to ANYONE, so WHY THE HELL would I want to waste it on him and false hope???
This SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh

OK, so I'm new to this writing online thing... but... sometimes I need to get it out. I think I'm doing well, then the ex calls and leaves me messages that screw with my head. The man owes me over $15,000 in back child support, yet he just got back from a week's vacation. He's driving a new car, and I'm driving a '99 minivan with more than 150,000 miles on it to tote my kids around. And he leaves me messages about wanting phone sex. As usual, it's all about what HE wants. Ugh.