He Sucks

But it is okay.

Seriously, whether or not the judge sees it, or whether or not she sees him for what he is, well, that's out of my control. I really do have to put my faith in God that what He wants to happen will happen, and I have to have faith in His plan. There are so many times in my life when I questioned Him, why He wasn't there for me (or so I thought), or why He was putting me through something. I'm done thinking that way.

Don't get me wrong -- it doesn't mean I'm not going to try and play my cards right, because I am. And I'm not playing doormat to E. anymore. I'm no longer afraid of him; he rather repulses me with his overblown sense of self that swims among his private sea of insecurities, all the while clinging to the lifeboat of justification. His avoidance of responsibility and complete incapability to communicate frustrate me, especially since he walks around portraying himself as a "spiritual Christian." He is the worst thing I could imagine being: a hypocrite.

Have I gotten screwed in the past? Yes. Will I again? Who knows? Maybe. But in who's definition? Maybe financially or in the eyes of the law, I might be screwed. But you know what? I have two beautiful children that I get to raise pretty much BY MYSELF without his poisonous touch even grazing their cheeks on a daily basis. That means that I will ulitmately influence what type of people these children will grow to be. And I will make sure that they are caring, loving, tolerant, understanding, generous, responsible, compassionate people -- in other words, nothing like their biological father.

So in the end, where divorce is concerned, I really don't think anyone "wins". But I think that my situation comes pretty damn close.

Are you KIDDING ME??

OK, so I call Child Support Enforcement Services this morning to try and get the low-down on what the hell is going on with the child support payments. Assface has his pay garnished, and for a while there he was making his monthly obligation. Then suddenly last November the payments decreased in amount, to the point where he is not meeting his monthly obligation.

So I pick up the phone and ask what's going on.

I ask if they have been calculating the interest on the outstanding arrears (there is interest on arrears per CO law, the state in which the order was written.)

I am told that a) the state of MA is not equipped to calculate the fees and interest of orders from other states, and b) they do not impose MA fees and penalties on orders from other states.

So basically, he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants, and I just have to deal.

As fucking usual.

He SUCKS.

By my calculations, he owed me over $2000 in arrears. But that was including the CO interest. According to the state of MA, he has whittled his arrears down to $600. Even though he hasn't even been meeting his monthly obligation.

This is BULLSHIT, he SUCKS, and I am really wishing right now that he would just GO THE FUCK AWAY. I don't want another fucking red cent, just GO THE FUCK AWAY.

I think I might hate him. And I hate that I feel that way.

I Know His Secret

This sucks.

Just when I think I'm out, getting over it, getting past things...I'm sucked right back in.

I just don't understand.

I left him almost three years ago. Three years. We have been divorced for a year and a half. I shouldn't care. Things shouldn't bother me. I should be over this. I thought I had let go.

Apparently, I haven't.

My friend in CO called me over the weekend to let me know that the ex was there, again. For at least the third time in less than six months. Visiting a 20-something Slavic waitress that worked for him whilst I was pregnant and married to him and living 45 minutes away from his workplace.

Sure explains a lot of things, like all the late nights working even though the restaurant closed at 10pm. Like the time he came home from one of those late nights with a woman's coat rather than his own. Like why he was so angry with me when I announced that I was pregnant. Like why he was so indifferent to the pregnancy, and wasn't the least bit excited. Like why he looked at me with sheer disgust in his eyes, why he spoke to me in a tone where every word dripped with resentment and disdain for my very being. Like why, after I was told I had miscarried, and came home and told him (while bawling my eyes out), he just stood there and looked at me until I told him to hug me, hold me, tell me everything would be okay. Why he acted even angrier after the doctors found that I was still pregnant, that (miracle of miracles!) one of the twins (yes -- TWINS) had survived. All the days of the silent treatment, of never feeling I could do anything right, of that gnawing feeling in my gut that something was going on.

He was cheating on me. I knew it in my bones, in my heart. But he denied it. Told me I was "crazy" for thinking that, that I was "always looking for something to be wrong", that I was miserable and I would always be miserable. That I was never happy.

Funny, he is the only person in my life who has ever said or believed such things about me. I am a positive person by nature. I really try to do the right thing, trust people, believe in the good. I really do.

He took that from me. But only for a while. I think I can get it back. After all, I gave him the power to take it. And I'm not doing that anymore.

Back to my point: before, it was all speculation, a gut feeling. Now it's truth.

He has been lying to me for a long time. My "relationship" was nothing but a ruse.

I should be over this. I should be done. But my heart is broken, yet again.

How is that possible?

*heavy sigh*

Been away awhile...

I haven't journaled in a while, and I have been all the worse for wear because of it. I write random things in a journal I keep in my nightstand, but it's not the same. That's a book filled with rambling, ranting, incoherent thoughts. Don't get me wrong, it helps to do that and just get it out, but it's not quite the same.

I have been so far removed from me the past few months, not taking care of myself, once again putting anyone and everyone before me. I know this isn't healthy, I know it leads me down the road of self-sabotage and depression, but it's almost like I can't stop myself. It's an old pattern that I continue to repeat. I know logically that I need to take care of myself in order to be the best mother, sister, daughter, and friend I can be. I just can't seem to remember to do it when the chips are down. Ah, distraction is soooo comforting.

My discovery responses are due the 29th. Think I've even started them?? Nope. Talk about avoidance. And it's not like I have anything to hide or be ashamed about, I just don't want to deal with this court crap anymore. I am already $8,000 in the hole with THIS lawyer over something the ex is hell-bent on doing. There is absolutely no reason to go to trial, but he is ADAMANT about it. He really thinks we are going to go to trial, the judge will hand him everything he wants, he will be "proven right" (whatever the fuck THAT is), and Sweet Vindication shall be his!! Hallelujah, amen. Fuck him.

I'm still pissed that he actually tried to fucking defend his sister and her husband about the whole Santa Claus thing. The more I hear, the more I am convinced that he checked his balls and spine at the door when he moved into his sister's house.

And yes, I am still angry. I am angry that he is STILL sending me boxes full of shit from our wedding. When I told him to stop sending me these things he acted all surprised (now that I think about it, he probably was surprised), and said "Well, I didn't know what to do with it. I thought you would want it, that it meant something to you."

Mind you, he has sent me ALL of our wedding photos, all of the pictures of the two of us, every last memento from everything to do with our life together, as if he is trying to "erase" me. As if to send the message to me that none of it means anything to him. Part of me thinks this is just more of his controlling bullshit, more of the manipulative passive-aggressive crap he is so fond of pulling. Another part thinks he is really just still trying to hurt me. I don't know anymore. And quite frankly, I'm too tired to care.

All I want right now is an ex who will be a good, responsible, loving father, who is able to communicate with me so we can co-parent effectively. It's all about money to him. I wouldn't take another fucking DIME if he would just learn how to be a human being.

But alas, empathy cannot be taught, nor can feelings of respect be manufactured upon demand. Oh well.

onward.

And fuck him.