Ah, to be 40...

OK, I am CHOOSING to be happy. I am CHOOSING to have a positive outlook today. Turning 40 doesn't bother me, it has just been a tough week. But I know things could be sooooo much worse. I mean, I need a new car, I am basically homeless (I live with my sister in her house), but at least I have a good job. And I am healthy, as are my kids. It could be a lot worse. Sooooooo... I can choose to wallow in self-pity, act like a "victim", you know the song, "boo hoo, everything happens TO ME, everyone does things TO ME, nothing is fair TO ME, blah blah blah" (OK, not a real song, but the one that we all sing from time to time, nonetheless...) OR, I can choose to view all of this as yet another challenge. And we ALL know this one: Whatever doen't kill us only makes us stronger. And I believe that, I really do. So I am choosing challenge. I can and will get through this challenging time, yet again. I am stronger every day, and I know that God would NEVER hand me something I couldn't handle. EVER. He knows I can do this. So, if God has faith in me, who am I not to??

I CAN do this, and I WILL do this. Will it be easy? Probably not. But anything really worth having usually doesn't come easy (I know, cliche, but true), at least not in my experience. Doesn't matter. I CAN, and I WILL.

"Wiggle your big toe." (from Kill Bill Vol. 2 -- a great lesson in will and choices!)

Thanks for reading/listening...

Another Friday night...

Ahhh... another Friday, another night with no date. Not that I have been looking, or "putting myself out there", but still... it would be nice to have at least one night out with someone that I find attractive, that finds me attractive, and have some fun, some good conversation, and maybe even a kiss or two...

I think that's the toughest thing right now -- the longing for some sort of physical closeness to someone. God, I want SO BAD to snuggle, especially up to someone that wants it and welcomes it!! It has been a long time since I have had that, and I really, truly miss it.

Doesn't help that I have a thing for my married coworker... bad, bad, bad, all the way around. Bad that I have feelings for him, bad that he is in the process of leaving his marriage (not for me, but for him -- that is good), bad that this sense of longing for him won't go away...

OK, so today is usually "our" day -- work is quiet, we do our work but get to go to lunch, chat, have some time together. I have been looking forward to this for a while, as last Friday he had to leave early. Well, I got a phone call a little while ago, he is still coming in, but he going to be late... seems he went to register his new motorcycle this morning (the one he bought his wife for her birthday, but that's a story for another day), and the place he went to doesn't "do" bikes, so he had to go somewhere else... I guess my question is, why not wait and do it on Saturday, especially when you claim you don't want to be spending your Saturday with her, and it's going to be pretty crappy out anyway? I'm left feeling that, once again, I come last with a person I really care about. I can't even begin to explain how sick I am of coming last. With my ex, I used to joke that I was last on his list -- but it wasn't really a joke. I wasn't even on the back burner -- hell, I wasn't even in the kitchen anymore! And with my family -- that's another story. I left my husband under the guise I would have plenty of help with my kids when I went to work. Well, my sister has postpartum (again, a story for another day), so everyone is focused on her and her baby, even though she HAS a husband and in-laws to help. Once again, I am forgottewn. I am shelling out about $1500/month in daycare for both kids, which wipes out any child support I get (WHEN I get it)... and a night out?? I always have to put my little one to bed first, before I go anywhere... because he is so "tough" -- which he's NOT. He's TWO. He is a typical, 2-year old boy -- scratch that -- he's NOT typical, he's actually very good!!! God, I get so frustrated. Oh, and I turn 40 this month, but sister's baby turns 1, so that's the big deal around here... every "milestone" birthday I have had has been no big deal. My 30th birthday I had just been dumped, and was by myself 2500 miles away from my family. Now, for yet another milestone, I am alone again, and as far as I can see, it's not a big deal to anyone. I had wanted to go on a trip to Mexico with some friends from all over the country, but no one would watch the kids -- it was deemed "too much". So I am doing NOTHING. Yay team.

I sound very negative, so why the "good" mood today? Because all in all, I am feeling physically good and strong. I no longer feel the burning need to call my ex every day, let alone several times a day. Do I still care about him? Yes. Miss him? Sometimes. Yes. Do I still think we can work this out and get back together and make it better than ever? An unequivocal NO. Reality has FINALLY sunk in. And yes, that is a good thing.

I'm done ranting for now. If you're reading, thanks for sticking it our through all of my drivel...

Better, But Still So Confused

Well, it's a Monday, that's for sure. Friday was great, then man I am falling for told me he loves me. I felt like Rudolph -- "She thinks I'm CUUUUTE!!" Really, over the moon. But mixed emotions as well -- he was leaving to head off to a weekend where he would be celebrating his wife's birthday. I let him know I would be thinking of him, but only after he told me the only reason he came in to work on Friday (he had a LOT to do at home) was to have lunch with me. He told me he honestly didn't think he would have made it through the weekend if he didn't get to see me on Friday. I, of course, melted.

Silly me...daydreaming. The night before, my sister had asked me to babysit on Saturday night, so I'm thinking of how much I would love to invite him over, spend some time after the kids go to bed...but I can't. I can't because he's married. I can't because he's worried about how it will look when they file -- will she accuse him of having an affair? Even though he hasn't had one? Even though his marriage was over long before I showed up? I can't because....I can't. And that sucks. I'm not used to that, to saying the words "I can't." They are foreign to me. I will say "we'll see" or "maybe" or even "I'll try my best", but never "I can't". Just not in my repertoire of acceptable responses. I don't like it. I don't have to like it. But I don't have any other choice than to use it in this instance. And that sucks.

In the meantime, the ex calls and I cry. I cry for what has been lost, for broken dreams, for my kids. I even cry for him, and what he is missing out on, and how bad he blew it, and how oblivious he is to that. And I cry for me, about to turn 40, with my life in such a state of flux and ambiguity. If I stop to think about it for too long I get overwhelmed and depressed. So I don't think about it too long or too often.

Ahh, I know. "Things will get better." I know. And some days, they are, they really are. Just some days....

I can't.