Been away awhile...

I haven't journaled in a while, and I have been all the worse for wear because of it. I write random things in a journal I keep in my nightstand, but it's not the same. That's a book filled with rambling, ranting, incoherent thoughts. Don't get me wrong, it helps to do that and just get it out, but it's not quite the same.

I have been so far removed from me the past few months, not taking care of myself, once again putting anyone and everyone before me. I know this isn't healthy, I know it leads me down the road of self-sabotage and depression, but it's almost like I can't stop myself. It's an old pattern that I continue to repeat. I know logically that I need to take care of myself in order to be the best mother, sister, daughter, and friend I can be. I just can't seem to remember to do it when the chips are down. Ah, distraction is soooo comforting.

My discovery responses are due the 29th. Think I've even started them?? Nope. Talk about avoidance. And it's not like I have anything to hide or be ashamed about, I just don't want to deal with this court crap anymore. I am already $8,000 in the hole with THIS lawyer over something the ex is hell-bent on doing. There is absolutely no reason to go to trial, but he is ADAMANT about it. He really thinks we are going to go to trial, the judge will hand him everything he wants, he will be "proven right" (whatever the fuck THAT is), and Sweet Vindication shall be his!! Hallelujah, amen. Fuck him.

I'm still pissed that he actually tried to fucking defend his sister and her husband about the whole Santa Claus thing. The more I hear, the more I am convinced that he checked his balls and spine at the door when he moved into his sister's house.

And yes, I am still angry. I am angry that he is STILL sending me boxes full of shit from our wedding. When I told him to stop sending me these things he acted all surprised (now that I think about it, he probably was surprised), and said "Well, I didn't know what to do with it. I thought you would want it, that it meant something to you."

Mind you, he has sent me ALL of our wedding photos, all of the pictures of the two of us, every last memento from everything to do with our life together, as if he is trying to "erase" me. As if to send the message to me that none of it means anything to him. Part of me thinks this is just more of his controlling bullshit, more of the manipulative passive-aggressive crap he is so fond of pulling. Another part thinks he is really just still trying to hurt me. I don't know anymore. And quite frankly, I'm too tired to care.

All I want right now is an ex who will be a good, responsible, loving father, who is able to communicate with me so we can co-parent effectively. It's all about money to him. I wouldn't take another fucking DIME if he would just learn how to be a human being.

But alas, empathy cannot be taught, nor can feelings of respect be manufactured upon demand. Oh well.

onward.

And fuck him.