I Know His Secret

This sucks.

Just when I think I'm out, getting over it, getting past things...I'm sucked right back in.

I just don't understand.

I left him almost three years ago. Three years. We have been divorced for a year and a half. I shouldn't care. Things shouldn't bother me. I should be over this. I thought I had let go.

Apparently, I haven't.

My friend in CO called me over the weekend to let me know that the ex was there, again. For at least the third time in less than six months. Visiting a 20-something Slavic waitress that worked for him whilst I was pregnant and married to him and living 45 minutes away from his workplace.

Sure explains a lot of things, like all the late nights working even though the restaurant closed at 10pm. Like the time he came home from one of those late nights with a woman's coat rather than his own. Like why he was so angry with me when I announced that I was pregnant. Like why he was so indifferent to the pregnancy, and wasn't the least bit excited. Like why he looked at me with sheer disgust in his eyes, why he spoke to me in a tone where every word dripped with resentment and disdain for my very being. Like why, after I was told I had miscarried, and came home and told him (while bawling my eyes out), he just stood there and looked at me until I told him to hug me, hold me, tell me everything would be okay. Why he acted even angrier after the doctors found that I was still pregnant, that (miracle of miracles!) one of the twins (yes -- TWINS) had survived. All the days of the silent treatment, of never feeling I could do anything right, of that gnawing feeling in my gut that something was going on.

He was cheating on me. I knew it in my bones, in my heart. But he denied it. Told me I was "crazy" for thinking that, that I was "always looking for something to be wrong", that I was miserable and I would always be miserable. That I was never happy.

Funny, he is the only person in my life who has ever said or believed such things about me. I am a positive person by nature. I really try to do the right thing, trust people, believe in the good. I really do.

He took that from me. But only for a while. I think I can get it back. After all, I gave him the power to take it. And I'm not doing that anymore.

Back to my point: before, it was all speculation, a gut feeling. Now it's truth.

He has been lying to me for a long time. My "relationship" was nothing but a ruse.

I should be over this. I should be done. But my heart is broken, yet again.

How is that possible?

*heavy sigh*